A bit o' entertainment!

Okay, my housemate cheered me up today when she showed me this website where horses sing! Oh, so much fun! Enjoy:)

He's a jerk, but he's my jerk!

I didn't want this week to come, and now I don't want it to end. It will be the last time I see my brother before he leaves for Iraq. He is an Army Combat Engineer and will be leaving from Hawaii in December. Originally, he wasn't scheduled for deployment for another year, but the jerk didn't want to wait. In one way, I am proud of him for doing what he believes in, but another part of me is ROYALLY TICKED at him. And now, I want to be angry with him, and tell him off and scream at him. I love him so much, and I don't think he knows that I just can't lose him... How dare he leave me here alone? I already have one brother with a terminal brain tumor, and he insists on going to war?!?! If I could willingly force myself to hurt him at all, this would be the time. However, I have never been able to, and I still can't now.

Despite my anger, I don't want this time together to be wasted. I want to soak in every second and then hold on tight. I want him to know that I love him no matter what, and I want him to have confidence in his decision.

Anyway, that's a bit of what has been on my mind and my heart lately. As jumbled as it all feels to me right now, I don't know if it is making any sense.

Dear God, please give me the courage to see my brother this week, and to enjoy the time that you have given us together!

Pondering...

...characteristics of civilization

...implications of reconstructing the past

...the existence of genuine Christian faith in Eastern Orthodoxy

...the structure of Eastern Orthodoxy and its relationship to the formation and development of Russia and Russian identity

...how Russia has affected Eastern Orthodoxy

...the beauty in the ability of life to be enigmatically simple and complex

...the basic questions which need to be answered in order to write a decent paper

...where I will go from here

...why I am writing here, when I should be working

...how I wish Central Bead Co. were open right now

...how God is changing my heart

...HOW I REALLY NEED TO STOP PONDERING, SO THAT I CAN FINISH MY WORK!

I fell off the face of the earth...ie. Classes started

I really has been way too long since I have posted. The start of the school year is always insane, but this year takes the cake...
First of all, I had to write a ten page paper about Russian Thaw cinema. Yes, I had all summer to do it, but life just wouldn't be as interesting if I had done it early. Of course, not! Instead I finally got a good start on it a few days before it was due! Procrastination is not one of my best qualities, but this time I really attempted to do it sooner...I can't even count the number of times that I took out my books and tried to research, but to no avail. My great idea of taking myself off of caffiene this summer was not the most beneficial. Yes, I have ADD, and since I don't want to take meds, I usually use caffiene for concentration. Without it, English looks like Russian, and though it's my major, it also looks like something foreign. Often, when it's really bad, my thoughts race so quickly that I lose my words and can't get out more than a stutter. I think the only reason I was able to blog this summer is because I usually wrote after blading, that is also part of my self medication... It is not fun to deal with, but I get through by the grace of God. In fact, I am thankful for it, because I could have it a lot worse....My grandfather, mother, and little brother have all battled epilepsy and then my other bro has a brain tumor. Yah, so overall, I feel blessed to only have ADD. BTW, I finished the paper with a little help from the Zenfo Pro! He taught me how to set up my paper so that it wasn't so overwhelming. In case anyone doesn't know yet, Librarians ROCK!

Hmmmm.....what else has been going on? Well, I wrote about a leaky pipe awhile back...Virgi, please don't hate me for not telling you...but since then we have had to deal with some mold in our basement and in my housemate's room. Yah, I didn't want to cause any unneccesary stress, Vir. Fortunately, my landlords came to do extensive repairs. Unfortunately, they came when I was writing my paper and classes were starting! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh! Good news is...the problem has been taken care of! Praise God!

Last but not least, my littlest bro graduated from AIT last week! He is now a bonified soldier for the United States Army! I couldn't go to his graduation at Fort Leonard Wood in Mossouri, but I got to spend time with him over the weekend. It was really good. He has always been super strong, but now I think he could take on a small army. While in Basic he was made Platoon Guide, and his Drill Sargeants have put him on the path for the same in the future. I am so proud of him! I love him so much, and I HATE the thought of him going to Iraq (which is highly likely), but I know that this is what he has always dreamed of doing. I'll have to write more on it later, but yah, I think one can get the gist. My Brother ROCKS!

Anyway, I will try to put myself back on the map, but I am not quite sure when or where I will appear. I only have four classes, but they require about 20 text books! Maybe I will post that list later. So far, I have finished 1. Only 20 to go! Arrrrgh! I am a slow reader too! I really have to get to bed, but I apologize for the abrupt absence. Trust me, I love learning, but it's only the second week and I find myself saying, "I would rather be blogging." I miss you all! Take care and God Bless!

God, thank you for my friends!

There are times I find myself complaining about relationships with people in general, but I must say that I have been blessed with some of the world's greatest friends! Not only do they spend time with me, they also speak truth, and love me no matter what! This is not about expectations or trust or anything, just a huge bit of thankfulness for peeps who meet me where I am. I love you all!

I will have to write more later, because the landlord's son is coming back in the early AM with a handyman to repair our broken toilet (that's a whole other issue!....grrrrr... but at least it's getting fixed!)....Must get some sleep!

For the Old School Nintendo fans everywhere!

I haven't played video games for a long time, but growing up with two younger brothers got me hooked for while. Here are some classic tunes that I found linked when I was blog surfing the other day......If you have ever played the original nintendo, you will sooooooooooooooooooo love this!

CLICK HERE & HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!

Soon, I will get around to posting something real.....I promise;)

A Bit O' Clarification

My goal is to address something that has been on my heart for a little while....
In responding to a comment posted to my entry "Stilling the Glass Part II"I made a statement that I feel could easily be misunderstood:

The point is that we have to realize the boundaries of our logic in order to use it appropriately. In the end, it doesn't matter what brings us to truth, but that we arrived at all.

In saying this, I did not mean to incorrectly represent myself as believing that truth is "whatever floats your boat" or that I believe in "Anonymous Christianity"; I DON'T believe that consciously accepting Jesus as savior can be bypassed in the realization of truth. What I do believe is that Jesus, who is fully man, is also fully God. Thus, as a physical manifestation of God, He is not separable from this truth. It is through free will that every sinner has been given the opportunity to make the decision to accept Jesus as savior, regardless of whether or not the person is emotionally or logically motivated at the onset of the decision making process.

I apologize if my original statement, out of context, seemed misleading to anyone. That was not my intent. When writing, I often forget the importance of elaborating on these thoughts;)

Rules for the Road

After many bumps, bruises, and raspberries, I have learned that there are a few basic techniques that are essential in developing the skills of a competent [roller]blader. Here are a few things that your friends probably won't tell you;)

1. Knees should NEVER be locked! Knees should always be bent slightly, or in an almost seated position.

2. The body's weight should be placed on the heels. This will aid in the avoidance of trip ups from small stones and other debris that would otherwise take a skater down. Generally speaking, keep the toes up and knees bent to remain light-footed.

3. Learn to stop without using the factory brake. The extra length the brakes create, tends to catch when rolling off curbs, etc. Snowplows are the easiest...with a firm, wide stance, push both knees inward slightly. Do not turn toes in completely, or the phrase "eating it" will become very literal! T-Stops are also effective. This stop involves dragging one skate behind the skater perpendicular to the front skate, creating a T. The downside to the T-stop is that it wears the wheels unevenly. Please do not remove brake until, at least, one other alternative technique has been mastered.

4. Maintain wheels' inside edges. Rotating wheels often will help to maintain the inside edge necessary for powerful striding, maximum control, and a more comfortable ride. Use the directions that came with the skates. If they cannot be located, feel free to drop me a note. I would be glad to send a diagram. (Honestly, I would be tickled pink if anyone really wants my advice;)

5. Just say no to crack! (Yes, all kinds!) Seriously, though, cracks located at the joints of a double-wide sidewalk can catch a skater off guard. If the joints are deep enough, the wheels often ride inside and follow the crack, inhibiting regular movement mid-stride. In actuality, it's somewhat entertaining to randomly yell out this rule while blading with friends. If lucky, a passerby might hear and think it was meant for them, and quickly pull up on the back of their breeches!...Growing up is soo overrated!...Hehe!

Anyone attempting the techniques listed in this post does so at one's own risk. Proper protection (skating helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist guards) is suggested but not necessary. I am not an expert. I am only sharing what works for me, but these techniques may not work for everyone. As with mastering any skill, practice is key.

Have fun, learn much, and.......Roll On! ( I am such a cornball!)

A New Theme Song

Okay, so anyone who knows me will tell you that I don't know squat about music. Really, buying a new CD or MP3 is quite rare, but I am struggling to restrain myself at the moment. I went to a wedding in Cinci a year or so ago (Doug and Shana's wedding was probably the best I have ever attended in my life! Shana sings in Vineyard Central's "Raise Both Hands" CD), and they had a group there named Over the Rhine. My friend Virgi, who I tagged along with, told me all about the group and how much she just loves their music! As usual, I liked what I heard and believed her, but neglected to find out anymore. When she mentioned them more recently, I decided that I should at least check out their website...That's where the trouble begins...I am addicted to the song "Born" from their new CD called "Drunkard's Prayer". It is taking all that I have to restrain myself from splurging! I can't take it! Clearly, this restraint won't last much longer! Anyway, I've decided that it is my new theme song. CLICK HERE to listen to the tune now permeating my space!

Now, I think it's time for a good blade around MU's empty campus, or as I like to call it, my cement playground;)

Stilling the Glass: Part II

The words continue to escape my grasp, yet I cling to reference points for balance. My knowledge of this world is modest, at best, but I am choosing to grasp the victories enduring. Lord, you know which motives inspire the wall pounding fists; the earth eroding tears; the weeping of your child's heart that is breaking. Thus, I come before you, falling to my knees, to humbly cry in the dust at your feet. Expectantly, I am waiting...


I have known Steve for 23 years, and it is for him that my heart and soul cry out.

I remember the days...
when he couldn't say my name and called me Keewa...
when he ran the clawed tires of The Animal and got them stuck in my hair...
when he hit me and lied about it...
when he pinched me and lied about it...
when he hit me again and lied about it...
when he got in trouble for hitting me and pinching me and lying about it...
when he ran into the post in the basement of the church and split open his forehead(there is still a scar)...
when we tried to dig a tunnel in Aunt Mary's back yard...
when my friends and his would play Ghosts in the Graveyard...
when he taught me how to throw a football...
when he called me mom...
when he taught me how to throw a baseball...

Yes, I could go on forever. That is part of the reason I plead on his behalf.

Okay, I am stuck again....How do I write about how he said his head was not right? How do I write about his first seizure? Or when they said there was a shadow on the test? How do I write about the brain surgery to remove the tumor? What about, how he, a person with a handicap, was assaulted by the big smiley face?
How do I say that the tumor has returned in two places?
How do I say that I love him more than he knows?
How do I write that my heart's desire is for him to know Jesus?

How do I say that he is my brother?

For the librarians...

Okay, librarian(s), this one's for you! My cousin, Britt, has taken her out-of-town guests to the Cleveland Public Library, of all places....hehe. She has even posted a library pic in her web journal, not_an_idea. You can also find it in my links as "I heart my cuz". She is an extremely intelligent and talented art student at Bethel College in Indiana. Yes, she is into theater and was a member of speech and debate in HS, as I am sure at least one of you can relate to [yah, you know who you are;)].

Even if you're not a librarian, chances are you will enjoy her posts immensly!

Have you always wanted to feel successful and productive?

Have you always wanted to feel successful and productive? Well, you don't have to wait another minute! I have a sure fire way of increasing your feelings of success and accomplishment! Within minutes of following my program, I guarantee that you will feel and appear more productive! All it takes is one easy step, and you will be on your way to leading the life you always wanted! This specialist has developed a fool proof way of dealing with those icky, sticky feelings of failure and lost time.

Do you worry every day because you haven't checked off everything on your to do list? Are you tired of thinking that everyone else is more efficient than you day after day, after day? Are there things that you have always wanted to do, but don't think you ever will?

Well, throw away that to do list and every feeling of inadequacy, because in just 30 seconds I am going to reveeal a one-time offer that will change your life!

Okay, audience, are you ready to discover the secret to true happiness?

Take just 30 seconds, or 1, or even 2 minutes to read this schedule and compare yourself to something so pathetic that it shouldn't be allowed in public.

That's right compare your day to mine, and I guarantee that your feelings of inadequacy will decrease by at least 10%! *results have not been tested and may vary

Operator will NOT be standing by!

My day:
Alarm 8:15
snoozed until 8:30
Dressed and checked email
Out the door by 8:53
Arrived at the Johnson's at 9:00
No one home
no service project:(
Went home
Thought about bed
phone calls
Landlord's son arrives (he is supposed to be gone for the summer!)
Explained pipe water damage & lock
Checked email
Continued with the phone calls

Tried to write
Did not write

Blog surfed

Tried to write
Started to write
Words were stuck

3:30 nap
4:30 alarm
snoozed til 5:00
voice mail - small group in Hami cancelled
Cereal bowl and a half of blueberries
Watched tv
Added linkage to blog

Tried to write
Unsuccessful

Tried to Think
Lack of Clarity

8:00 blading
9:00 shower
IM
phone calls
food
IM
Crossed Street
Kim, Murle, Victor
Came home
Checked email

Heard a noise in kitchen
Conclusion mouse
Remembering traps
Evil laugh
Here mousie mousie!
Posting Blog


*all claims in this entry have been made in jest. Sadly, the only truth to be found in the entry above is the schedule of my day. Should you actually believe that your life will improve by comparing yourself to others, you may do so at your own risk. In no way do I really suggest or condone this destructive behavior. I include the small print because, believe it or not, someone may take this seriously. Click on this LINK to see that these people really do exist.

Stilling the Glass: Part I

The dirty, glass coffee table is cluttered with various beads, batteries, keys, coasters, receipts, CDs and remotes. One of the overturned fat chef coasters catches the condensation from the water glass that rests upon it. Sitting on my somewhat broken, bright blue loveseat, I try to concentrate as my laptop plays random tracks from Chris Rea’s Espresso Logic, Vineyard Central's Raise Both Hands, Madison Greene’s Whitestone Gathering and various others that have been thrown in the mix. I am determined to write something, anything; needing to make sense of the mess of swirling thoughts that have become burdensome, and oppressive. Out of everything that surrounds my self, my thoughts, I am distracted by the water glass…

Like the scene out of Jurassic Park I have been sitting in wait for the water to ripple and topple over (I can’t believe I just referred to a movie). In literal terms, I don’t think the sky is falling, or there will be an earthquake, or anything along those lines. It’s probably a combination of things, but for the moment it seems to be related to my disgust for a corporate fiend, commonly known as Wal-Mart or Wally World, or W*$&#^%, as I kindly referred to it in my last post. The truth is that I expect the monster to strike again, and again, and again.

That’s right, it may not be news to anyone reading this, but corporate irresponsibility is something that has come to my attention in a very personal way. Until now, I have held off writing much about this subject for a variety of reasons. First of all, frustration and anger seem to appear when I think through the mess. Talking about it just would not have been beneficial. Secondly, discussing this issue involves addressing other tough issues that I haven’t yet disclosed in this medium. Thirdly, there exist legal concerns. Finally, when all is said and done, I want to make sure my heart is in the right place; revenge is not mine. I may keep this journal for my own benefit, but I recognize that it is also a public forum. Thus, I have been praying about it, and I think that the truth of the situation will speak for itself. I am trusting that readers will take it as it is, a cry of injustice, and NOT a desire for revenge.

Despite the risk of being overly dramatic (I know, too late!), I have decided to write and present these thoughts in a mini series of sorts. The idea occurred to me when I considered the lengthy, chaotic rant that might ensue from a one shot post. With that being said, may God bless anyone who decides for or against following along and enduring the sinuous paths of my current battles.

High Grass, a Broken Lock, and a Leaky Pipe

Rolled in to O'town to find high grass and weeds, a broken lock and a leaky,gushing pipe at good ol' 617. The best news, is that I am more glad to be home than I am upset about the inconveniences. The plumber came today and, some 80 bucks later, fixed the pipe. I think there was a problem with the plumbing that was worked on two months ago when the toilet was replaced. Oh well, now everything needs to dry out and then it's over. Over, for now, anyway.

Tomorrow I will skip down to Ace for a new dead bolt so that I can open my front door. No, I will not go to that malignant menace of a place that's popped up on 27. No way, it's just not happening. Hmmmmmmmm..........okay, so I think I really need to pray about this angst. The more I hold on to it, the more I give W*$&#^% control over myself. I must refuse this poisonous, but tempting, offer.

I'm completely tuckered out! I only hope sleep comes soon.

Went to church at Trinity this morning. Not only was it a great message, but I enjoyed sitting among my church family. I had the great pleasure of sitting with Cindy and Ted Dreyer. There is nothing like being treated like one of the family by people that one hasn't seen in a very long time. I can't believe I didn't visit sooner.

Last nights blog was pretty crazy; I was tired and overwhelmed from seeing Britt, Aunt Mary, Uncle Phil, Phil, and the youth who are well on their way to being productive members of society. I feel like a big sister to most of them. To think, it was only a couple years ago that us girls dressed up in outfits of random craziness and planted ourselves as statues in the unfinished front flower bed. Then we decided that it would be more fun to do silly walks and stop mid motion whenever a car went by. I think I was wearing one of those Huge foam cowboy hats, like the ones one would find at a concert, 80's spandex pants with fish all over them, an old track tank over a crazy goalie shirt, platform shoes (one pink, one white), a black and white floral scarf, with a sack over my shoulder and a strange muskrat puppet on my hand. Yup......we literally stopped traffic! The other girls had some pretty crazy get ups as well, however, I think Britt's may have been the most dramatic; my old black track spandex with a white tank and a dark purple velvet jacket, and last but not least, the old black hunting hat and aviator goggles. I miss those days........hmmm........I don't have any flowers in front of my house right now.........I wonder if Oxford could handle my crazy ideas!

Overall, a good day filled with good memories. This afternoon, I will get to do one of my favorite things at one of my favorite places; blading miles and miles of metropark trails by Bonnie Park in Strongsville! Then it's off to see a play that a friend of Phil's is in and get dinner at Tommy's. Should be interesting, his plays are always unique and Tommy's is supposedly some natural foods, healthy living restaurant for health junkies....should be yummy!

Dorothy's shoes

I called this place home for most of my life, but it is strange to be back. After only a half hour here, I found myself almost in tears. Not only did I get to see my best friend, I got to see some of my church family from Trinity Church in Middleburg Hts. It just so happened that Kate, a member of the church, returned from this summer's Russian mission through OMS International. We all went up to Hopkins, 4 min. away from here, to greet her. It made me miss the days of backpacking trips with the Dreyers, blading with Heidi, and the whole family atmosphere that is a part of the ministry at Trinity. I didn't realize how much I miss that. Oxford is great, but it is a place that is set far apart from a lot of people that I love. Makes me wonder why I am there. God, please show me the reason.

Nope, I am not moving back here. I am not running back here.
No, nuh uh, not doin it!

I am tired of closing doors on people and places and opportunities. There will be no more shutting people out.

More emotional today than I thought it would be. I suppose that's why Dorothy clicked her ruby/silver slippers.

It's Back It's Back It's Back!

Okay, I won't go on and on and on and on about it, I just have to say........MY COMPUTER IS BACK!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday, after dropping off my computer, I headed over to Shriver. It's pretty cool to come from the other side of the counter. Not only did I get some eats, I got to say hey to Annie, Jason, Angel, and last but not least, Vicki. I didn't chat with Annie enough, but Richie the Republican (he is anything but) seems to be doing okay (it takes a special guy to put up with all of us girls at Tuffy's). Then I sat to lunch with Angel and some of the gang. She seems to be doing well; she lives in a better place and her 4 girls are growing up quick. Then I saw Vicki, my boss who let me live with her family last summer, she is doing ok. That place will suck a person in if they are there too long. I hope she can get out soon, she is a talented woman.

Hmmmmmmmmm..........I am so glad that I don't work there anymore, but I do miss my friends and getting to hear about families and kids and things of that nature. Still, I am glad I'm not there.

Quite an enjoyable day, I must say. Went blading this morning, walked all over tarnation doing all kinds of things, and then got my computer back!

Leaving in the morning. Stopping in Columbus on my way to Cleveland! I can't wait to see Britt on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is an awesome art student, and my best friend in the whole world. Genetically speaking, she is not only my first cousin, but also my half sister! It's not hard to figure out, but it's probably not what one expects either. (no, we're not that redneck!) My youngest bro, Ken, is the same age.

Her brother, Phil, moved in with my parents last week. He just graduated from Savannah College of Art and Design and is looking for work in Columbus. (probably more to hang out with Steve... they are the same age) I am waiting for some of his work to hang on my walls. They are a talented family I tell you! I think they get it from my Uncle Phil, who is a comic book artist.

After living with them at different times, I am so excited that we can all spend time together again! I love coming from such a big family. Hmmmmm.....I wonder what it would be like to have seven kids like grams. I am not so sure that I want to find out, but who knows.

Okay, it's time to get ready for bed!

cat woman/lady: are they really so different?

It feels good to get back in the swing of things; yesterday was my first day of blading in quite a while. (I didn't hit anything this time, but the part about getting a squirrel was true!:) Overall, it was a decent run, but it is clear that it will be awhile before I come back full force. It ticks me off to remember how in shape I used to be and how not in shape I am now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. It's my own fault. Today was even slower.

Good news is that I have successfully gone three days without caffiene!!!!!!! (Yes, I want a cookie.) My pack a day habit was getting pretty rough, Diet Coke may not be a tobacco product, but I have this funny feeling that it is just about as healthy. After months of poor sleep quality, making trips to the store only for soda, and feeling tired all the time, something had to be done. LOL, this is just sad.

Bad news: My laptop caught a nasty virus (my first ever) and stopped accessing the internet late yesterday afternoon. Actually there were several that spntaneously appeared, but the doozie was NTRootKit-J( Big Apologies if I have passed it on!). It just wants to stick around.

Good news: I brought it into the Remediation center to be fixed for free.

Bad news: I won't have my computer for a few days :( ( it's sad how dependent I have become on technology) I just hope that I will have it back before I leave, but I doubt it.

I suppose that it will force me to walk up to the library once (or twice, or three times...jk) a day to get my email and blog. Honestly though, part of the reason I got a laptop was because I hate sitting in computer labs; the environment is so unstimulating. So I don't know how often I will be blogging in the near future, I will check my email every day though.

BTW I really do like cats, and I neither have nor would run one over one. In fact, I may end up living in a gray rundown house with 88 cats and mouse nest for hair (who knows, it might be kinda cool).

Peace out y'all.

Animal Lovers.....Don't read this.

Today was my first full day without caffiene!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! Yes, this is an official warning to those in contact with me! It seems that my body doesn't like for me to stop any drug; I get awful withdrawl headaches and feel like tossing my cookies for days on end. Fortunately, today wasn't completely unbearable. Kate and I headed over to the rec, where I found out that I do not receive rec privileges bc I was not a FT student last fall! MU always finds another way to tick me off! After leaving the rec I wanted to hop on my skates. Though, I didn't really want to end up running over a varmint like the last time I got ticked at the university and went skating....awesome for me...not so good for the squirrel*. I definitely felt much better. Instead Kate offered to walk with me. She must be an animal rights activist or something. Tomorrow is a different story. Construction or not, this not so in shape, ticked off, caffiene withdrawling, speed junkie is going to tear up the town! Ready or not, rodents, here I come!

*Disclaimer: No animal was intentionally or maliciously harmed in the events leading to the develpment of this entry. All options for a compassionate encounter were taken into consideration. Any joy I found in this occurance was ultimately squelched when I ran over Fluffy, the cat, last week; running over Fluffy was somehow much funnier.

Filling in the Holes

Bittersweet is probably the best description of this past weekend. However, I can't fix the track without backing up the train...

There exist moments in life where it appears that all truth is feigned. Emptied of the principles by which it is encompassed, the pile of rot contorts and entwines itself. All the while, the reality of it's intrinsic malignance strives to resemble and redefine the constant. Without accepting reality, it spreads out and separates with its only motivation death. Stretched to it's limits and relying on its own flesh, it feeds on self. All the while, progress is attempted but not seen... A house divided will surely fall... Truth prevails, unchanging and undivided.

Why the train stopped here...
As some have read in my first posts, I am guilty of being compelled by such lies. Honestly, I wish that I could say that it was the first time, but that would be feigning reality once again. Ignoble as it is, I chose to believe that my identity depended on worldly standards. A world where men and women are told they are merely what they weigh, eat, think, do, and appear to be. It is an inversion of sorts where change is supposed to occur from the outside in. We call one backwards if physical beauty doesn't match up with inner beauty, but really it's the other way around. Simply stated, the consciousness of "self" is a subverse way of idolizing man. I praise God for my dear friend Virgi, who in her desire to reach seek truth, encouraged me to watch a video that spoke these truths to me. I think the speaker's name was Lisa Bevere if anyone is interested, but I will have to get back on that one.

Last December.
Two years of indecent proposals from hundreds of inebriated boys had finally taken its toll. I found got financial assistance to return to school full-time and quit my job at Tuffy's. The sad part is, when I left that place I didn't leave my identity behind. Instead I heaved it along with me. I never realized how much I would miss the attention; 4am seranades by a dozen guys, shouts of "you're the best," and "will you marry me?", recieving nick names like Bonnie Blair and Speedracer from those who had seen me blading around campus. I thought my attempts to put up barriers had worked. However, it quickly became evident that I had put up barriers around the wrong thing; my heart. The walls were so thick and I was so tired. I tried everything I could think of, but they were attempts similar in their backward nature. I chose to believe that my value rested in what others thought of me, and even more so, what I thought of myself. The lies unveiled my eyes from the protection of my King. I was not the club soccer playing, blonde, country bumpkin. I was merely a broken image of what I used to be. Nevermind that this past image entailed anorexic tendencies, difficult struggles, and unbridled fears. The hardest part was I thought I could change my mind without changing my heart.

We've made it to the switch.
It was during this backwards time last December when I got a phone call from one of my "best friends." She no longer wanted me to be in her wedding (the connection to last weekend). I had been telling her for months that I wasn't up for hanging out, because that was the truth. I hadn't wanted to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone for months. I kept telling her this, but she continued to affirm my worst fears; my value in this world rested on my utility. When she finally realised that I wasn't capable of being a source of entertainment, she simply used another excuse for not having me in the wedding; to kick me when I was down. It's sad really, that was the only thing that I was looking forward to being a part of, and I felt sure that she and her fiance were blessed through their relationship. The worst part is, that I no longer choose to trust in her friendship. I don't even know why I still went to the wedding last weekend! All going did was allow me to say that I stepped out and revealed the extent to which I still have not healed. My prayer is that God changes my heart, because right now I don't know if I will continue the friendship.

A Dose of utter sweetness.
So my great friend, and soul sister, Hannah, rode with me on the long trip to Fort Wayne. To top it off, I got to meet her adorable little bambino, Charlie. He is the by far the cutest, most agreeable baby that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting! Hannah is such a great mom. I could only dream to be half as great when/if I ever have children. She is so full of grace and love! That was the best part of my weekend. Then I got to bum around with her hubby, who is a really awesome guy, when she was tortured at the head table (She was asked to take my place in the bridal party). I am so thankful that God has blessed me with such a great friend!

Here is where I will stop. After mowing the lawn, I must look like a topiary. I am not sure when I will update next. Tomorrow I leave for Columbus and then on Friday I leave for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to visit my grandparents for the week. God Bless and Peace Out!

Anybody up for an infomercial?

Forever and a day - precisely how long it's been since I last blogged. There is no telling when, or if, I will ever be an accomplished journal keeper. In fact, it may even be necessary attend therapy about this. Hey, that's an idea! Maybe I could make some self help cassettes for fellow journal flunkies. A quick list of what I might need:
1. exquisitely disgusting, ridiculously exhuberant, and ultimately nauseating narrator
2. equally repulsive cheesey music
3. key phrases such as: "journal flunkies are people too!" "journal flunkies increase the value of journal successes; they play an imperative role in life." "some people need to keep journals because they suffer long term memory loss. . .you must be a genius! " "You are too busy making memories to write about them!"
4. a list of people considered successful who are/were journal flunkies too

Okay, Okay, I know, I know! I may not be able to sell one (especially if it's on cassette), but I am confident that I am not alone in failing to keep up my blog. For this, I apologize. That being said, this is me, get over it. And so it goes, I am a perpetually sporadic writer; one day there will be a hummdinger, and the next will be not even hum, and there is no telling when the singing will occur.

hmmmm.....so what has happened since I last blogged?

Well, the semester started out better than the last one ended. The hardest part was attempting to find my niche in the Miami community. I am older than most of my classmates, but not as old as my professors. I am an inbeetweenie weenie (this and all future rhymes are dedicated to my mother who rhymes or cutsies everything she says! - I love you mom!). I suppose that I can't complain. God has overwhelmingly blessed the department that holds the reigns of my education. I have spent more time in heart to heart chats, lunches, and tutoring sessions with my professors than I have spent in class. God's glory is shining through in a million different ways, even without the explicit consent of the participants. This is just one way that my GOD ROCKS MY WORLD! Through the tears and the laughter He is there.


Okay so it almost 4am and I am pooped. It would probably be good to get to bed before sunrise. Oh yah, I also have to take out the garbage...STINK, literally, it reeks! I need to get used to putting my garbage out on sunday nights here at good ol' 617!

Peace Out...Do svidanya (goodbye) i (and) spakonyay nochay (goodnight)

new blogs coming soon!

A funny little thing has been happening. For the last month or two, I have been having difficulties accessing my blog. I would sign in, but my blog wouldn't be listed under my account. I was a bit frustrated, as many of you have been bugging me about blogging. I really did want to! Anyway, the kicker comes when I remember that I had signed up twice! The first time never produced anything. Eventually, I forgot that I had allready signed up and just created a new account. Yah, so I have been trying to sign on with my old account this whole time! It's quite funny really.......just another little story to keep you all guessing......

The best part is that I keep myself guessing. This is just me.