Filling in the Holes

Bittersweet is probably the best description of this past weekend. However, I can't fix the track without backing up the train...

There exist moments in life where it appears that all truth is feigned. Emptied of the principles by which it is encompassed, the pile of rot contorts and entwines itself. All the while, the reality of it's intrinsic malignance strives to resemble and redefine the constant. Without accepting reality, it spreads out and separates with its only motivation death. Stretched to it's limits and relying on its own flesh, it feeds on self. All the while, progress is attempted but not seen... A house divided will surely fall... Truth prevails, unchanging and undivided.

Why the train stopped here...
As some have read in my first posts, I am guilty of being compelled by such lies. Honestly, I wish that I could say that it was the first time, but that would be feigning reality once again. Ignoble as it is, I chose to believe that my identity depended on worldly standards. A world where men and women are told they are merely what they weigh, eat, think, do, and appear to be. It is an inversion of sorts where change is supposed to occur from the outside in. We call one backwards if physical beauty doesn't match up with inner beauty, but really it's the other way around. Simply stated, the consciousness of "self" is a subverse way of idolizing man. I praise God for my dear friend Virgi, who in her desire to reach seek truth, encouraged me to watch a video that spoke these truths to me. I think the speaker's name was Lisa Bevere if anyone is interested, but I will have to get back on that one.

Last December.
Two years of indecent proposals from hundreds of inebriated boys had finally taken its toll. I found got financial assistance to return to school full-time and quit my job at Tuffy's. The sad part is, when I left that place I didn't leave my identity behind. Instead I heaved it along with me. I never realized how much I would miss the attention; 4am seranades by a dozen guys, shouts of "you're the best," and "will you marry me?", recieving nick names like Bonnie Blair and Speedracer from those who had seen me blading around campus. I thought my attempts to put up barriers had worked. However, it quickly became evident that I had put up barriers around the wrong thing; my heart. The walls were so thick and I was so tired. I tried everything I could think of, but they were attempts similar in their backward nature. I chose to believe that my value rested in what others thought of me, and even more so, what I thought of myself. The lies unveiled my eyes from the protection of my King. I was not the club soccer playing, blonde, country bumpkin. I was merely a broken image of what I used to be. Nevermind that this past image entailed anorexic tendencies, difficult struggles, and unbridled fears. The hardest part was I thought I could change my mind without changing my heart.

We've made it to the switch.
It was during this backwards time last December when I got a phone call from one of my "best friends." She no longer wanted me to be in her wedding (the connection to last weekend). I had been telling her for months that I wasn't up for hanging out, because that was the truth. I hadn't wanted to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone for months. I kept telling her this, but she continued to affirm my worst fears; my value in this world rested on my utility. When she finally realised that I wasn't capable of being a source of entertainment, she simply used another excuse for not having me in the wedding; to kick me when I was down. It's sad really, that was the only thing that I was looking forward to being a part of, and I felt sure that she and her fiance were blessed through their relationship. The worst part is, that I no longer choose to trust in her friendship. I don't even know why I still went to the wedding last weekend! All going did was allow me to say that I stepped out and revealed the extent to which I still have not healed. My prayer is that God changes my heart, because right now I don't know if I will continue the friendship.

A Dose of utter sweetness.
So my great friend, and soul sister, Hannah, rode with me on the long trip to Fort Wayne. To top it off, I got to meet her adorable little bambino, Charlie. He is the by far the cutest, most agreeable baby that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting! Hannah is such a great mom. I could only dream to be half as great when/if I ever have children. She is so full of grace and love! That was the best part of my weekend. Then I got to bum around with her hubby, who is a really awesome guy, when she was tortured at the head table (She was asked to take my place in the bridal party). I am so thankful that God has blessed me with such a great friend!

Here is where I will stop. After mowing the lawn, I must look like a topiary. I am not sure when I will update next. Tomorrow I leave for Columbus and then on Friday I leave for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to visit my grandparents for the week. God Bless and Peace Out!