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The words continue to escape my grasp, yet I cling to reference points for balance. My knowledge of this world is modest, at best, but I am choosing to grasp the victories enduring. Lord, you know which motives inspire the wall pounding fists; the earth eroding tears; the weeping of your child's heart that is breaking. Thus, I come before you, falling to my knees, to humbly cry in the dust at your feet. Expectantly, I am waiting...
I have known Steve for 23 years, and it is for him that my heart and soul cry out.
I remember the days...
when he couldn't say my name and called me Keewa...
when he ran the clawed tires of The Animal and got them stuck in my hair...
when he hit me and lied about it...
when he pinched me and lied about it...
when he hit me again and lied about it...
when he got in trouble for hitting me and pinching me and lying about it...
when he ran into the post in the basement of the church and split open his forehead(there is still a scar)...
when we tried to dig a tunnel in Aunt Mary's back yard...
when my friends and his would play Ghosts in the Graveyard...
when he taught me how to throw a football...
when he called me mom...
when he taught me how to throw a baseball...
Yes, I could go on forever. That is part of the reason I plead on his behalf.
Okay, I am stuck again....How do I write about how he said his head was not right? How do I write about his first seizure? Or when they said there was a shadow on the test? How do I write about the brain surgery to remove the tumor? What about, how he, a person with a handicap, was assaulted by the big smiley face?
How do I say that the tumor has returned in two places?
How do I say that I love him more than he knows?
How do I write that my heart's desire is for him to know Jesus?
How do I say that he is my brother?
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13 comments:
so this one day i was reading this one thing and i got teary eyed.... oh wait... that was today... and it was your flippin' blog. what a sobering bunch of words you have typed, young grasshopper... did i mention that i hate sobriety?
What a powerful post...the only words of comfort I can offer probably don't count for a hill of beans....
Your brother is your flesh and blood, your spirit and part of your soul. And in that, there is no death. Just a moving around of physical things.
There's an old Sioux Prayer that states Teach all of the little ones in Your Way. Make peace on all the world.
You just say it the best way you can...one word at a time. And I think you're doing a fine job.
Jason
There are some things for which words can do no justice. It took so long...and yet there is so much unsaid. Thank you for understanding anyway...
Wow ... that is powerful, K.
From time to time I've uttered similar prayers myself for people ... there is peace in that, and hope, and release.
For me it's somewhat of an oddity, I guess, to pray for someone given my own belief system. I've always been one to take the message of a story to heart, as opposed to the characters. One thing I've noticed is that in most religions the core concepts of peace, love, and redemption are nearly identical (extremist perversions aside of course - but that happened to Christians, too, with the crusades). I guess if put to task I'd say I'm Christian in background, and certainly the core of my world view extends from its teachings, yet I don't 'practice', per sey ... don't personally believe sitting in a pew each week means a whole lot. Guess I lost my own faith in organization (as opposed to religion) over the past few years watching people in power use it as a shield with which to promote their own ideals over a supposedly free country. So I moved away from the Christian ideals of a "relationship with Jesus" towards a focus on just, what is the point of it all? What is the core message? And yet here I am, still, struggling with where I stand sometimes, such as still feeling the power of a prayer as I say one, still believing, somewhere deep inside that it is heard.
Strange place to be in to say the least - to be unsure if there is "a God" or if there is but in a context other than the Christian one - yet still believing in the messages of love and peace and redemption, and still believing deep inside that prayers are real, and that there is something greater than us all which ties us together.
Sorry, this is longwinded and maybe more about me than you care to know, but your words got me thinking about this - it's something on which I can go forever, so I'll cut out here before I do. Thank you for that, though - for opening that stream of thought ... one can never think too long or too deeply on this sort of thing. What I do believe in is the goodness of mankind. I believe in love, and in peace, and live for all that is Good. And feel confident that may well be what matters most.
Believe in your prayer. Keep saying it. It will be heard. In some ways, it has been already. :-)
G~
I must start with THANK YOU!
You're right about the prayer already being heard...as I wrote that prayer and the tears were streaming, I knew that God was listening. But leave it to the limits of this little noggin to forget that it may be heard in other ways as well;)
Unfortunately, there is so much more that I want to say, but I have somewhere to be. However, your honesty and openness should be met with the same, so I will wait until this evening when I can take more time to respond.
For the record, you probably couldn't tell me more than I want to know about yourself. If nothing else, I should be the one surprised that you would were interested in reading about me...well, let's just say that you have read my posts which are filled with things for which many people wouldn't give a flying leap.
Until later then:)
~Kara
G~
Sorry for the delay...I ended up getting a last-minute project; a refresher newsletter for my family's reunion in August. Why I volunteered to plan the thing, I can no longer remember...hehe...jk.
As for what you wrote the other day...I really appreciate your openness. That post was truly a prayer from my heart; a leap of faith, if you will. As I have said before, I am trying to expand my boundaries in writing. Truthfully, the hardest part was not the idea of making my thoughts public, but the actual process of putting the painfully difficult thoughts into written form. I have been praying about how to go about it, and I finally decided that I would just write exactly what was on my heart at the moment. That's when the prayer came about. I have found relief, because the process reminded me about the importance of taking command of my thoughts and how choice is the very nature of faith.
I understand why you are not sure where to put your faith...I have been there. The world tries to replace faith in God for faith in Logic. The one thing that is often forgotten is that faith in God is just as logical as faith in Math or Science. How many "facts" have been proven true every time they occur? None. Facts are named such on subjective probability and not objective truth. Until every possible chance has been successful, "fact" is still theory. Therefore, from what we can be sure of is that the only way anything can be objectively true is if exists as all things. This is where God comes in...His scope goes far beyond what we consider fact; He is both beginning and end. I hope that this doesn't come off as preachy, that is not my intent. I am simply sharing with you some of my thoughts that continually bring me back to the same realization; there is a God.
The point is that we have to realize the boundaries of our logic in order to use it appropriately. In the end, it doesn't matter what brings us to truth, but that we arrived at all.
As far as my thoughts on how love, compassion, and repentence come in, those will have to be left for another time...I am falling asleep:)
God Bless,
~Kara
Okay, just reread my comment and found mistakes and stuff that was completely left out. OOPs!
Tooooo.....tired now ....collect it all to.........;)
The point is that we have to realize the boundaries of our logic in order to use it appropriately. In the end, it doesn't matter what brings us to truth, but that we arrived at all.
One of the most brilliant passages I've read in a long time.
:-)
G
G~
I don't know about brilliant; I am pretty sure tons of other people have said it all before. But it's kind of fun to think for a second;) Thanks for that second.
~Kara
you never cease to amaze me, I found tears streaming down my face as well.
My favorite thing to ponder in this season is what the father of the boy that lay dying said to Jesus in Mark?
Lord, I believe please help my unbelief.
Our intellects are do incredible so worthy of our time and not to be cast aside the kicker....as a two edge sword it cuts harshly against our ability to have faith at times and believe with our whole hearts.....
So my dear friend Kara for Steve, for you, myself and even the universe...
Father, I believe! Please help my unbelief...
Vir~
I believe He is listening, and I believe that He is answering! I believe in His son, Jesus, who died for our sins. I believe that we are to use the reason provided us to choose Him. I am praying for an extreme makeover of all hearts, including my own. I just think of "Born"; he's sitting down with us listening and comforting and moving.
Love you Vir!
I am SOOO sorry. We talked about this the other night. It is so hard. I will continue to pray for Steve. I was talking a bit about what you and I had IMed about... he... at first thought I was joking when I told him your brother was beat for 20 minutes non stop by a greeter at WalMart. That is insane... I AM SO SORRY THAT EVER HAPPENED. There are a few verses that help me when I don't understand what is happening... I don't know if they will help at ALL, but I am going to go ahead and share them with you and maybe just maybe... they will give at least a little comfort.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope." (Jer 29:11)
"For MY thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways MY ways,"declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)
"God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
I know there are more, but these three are coming to mind now. The middle one has been my biggest comfort in times where I am beyond myself with the happenings. I will continue to keep both you and your brother in my prayers!
Love and blessings,
Shirley
Shirley~
Hey! Please don't apologize for anything:) I also appreciate your support! Fortunately, my brother wasn't beaten on in the sense that some might think...He was threatened and shaken, but not shaken for the entire twenty minutes. He was however, verbally threatened for that long or longer! It is a long, complicated story. Honestly, I will probably write about it tonight or tomorrow anyway...it's a long time coming.
Thanks again for the versus and all of your support!
God Bless
~Kara
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