Last night I got to spend time with the people at Veritas. There was good food and great company. We didn't do a study but that was ok. It was nice to just hang out. That is why I don't understand why I found myself in tears on the way home. I just couldn't help it. Why is it so hard for me to put myself out there. Why can't I just socialize normally? I want nothing more than to be close to people, but it's as if I don't know how. My family thinks it's abandonment from my past, but I don't understand why that would keep me from this. I have to force myself to leave my room. I have to force myself to leave the house. I have to force myself to talk to people. I don't understand why this is happening now. I thought I was over this part of my life. I am not an abandoned child anymore, where the hurt is coming from, I don't understand. So what if I was left on porches, at grocery stores, at home, at church, at the baby sitters. It happens to kids all the time and they deal. Sometimes, I still start panicking in the store when I get separated from my mom. I just don't understand anything anymore and I wish the pain would just go away. I don't want to be a recluse. I don't want to hurt people that I love by being a hermit. I just want to feel that love for people and be able to feel thier love back. I can't take a compliment or trust anyone. I just want to be free. God, I need your peace.