soul sisters

This morning, after my tardi arrival (1:05 pm to be exact) in the land of the "allready awake," my phone rang. Despite popular belief, I do know what a phone is, I know how to use one, and I am not completely frightened to utilize such an instrument. However, I will admit to being afraid of what demon might cantact me through this technology. Fortunately, it was again demonstrated clearly that I was unneccesarily trepidatious in my pursuit to respond to such an obvious breach of security. It's like the minute I hear the ring of my phone, the fear of attached strings, dissapointements, and discontentment reverberate in my being. I allready know what is on the other side......I live it, and I am sorry for it. I cannot fix myself, who I am, or who I have been. I am sorry that I don't trust anything, or anyone. Maybe I should just put a disclaimer to prepare people for who I am, what I am. I am not what people want me to be. I have tried to conform, but I hate myself there. This is it, this is me, this is the real deal. I am broken and tired and incapable of being anyone else. I exist on the fact that I am a child of the most high God. I am loved without any strings, and in that I must bask. My hope rests in His promises alone, the only ones I can trust. I can't even trust myself, for I am unreliable, foolish and dirty. I do trust that this time will pass, as it allways does, and I will be able to bury another part of my messed up being. I can't imagine not having that hope. My heart goes out to those who don't, the hopelessness must be suffocating. Today I was able to pick up the phone and find relief in my soul sister, whose lack of any strings freed my spirit and opened a door. It is Christ in her that shares love with such freedom and such love. I am thankful that Hannah called and that my spirit is again humbled by how somone can show such a nonjudgemental spirit to someone who can't even find it in herself. It's formless. It's God.