I am the glass vessel

Implosion, as described by an old Tormont and Webster Encyclopedic Dictionary is "a more or less violent collapse inward, as of a highly evacuated glass vessel." I am the glass vessel.....

It is 4:30 in the morning and I sit here thinking that all the air is leaving me. What is it that makes it so hard for me to succeed here? Is it the school? Is it the student body, the staff? Or maybe the truth is, I am just an invalid. I am 24 years old, and I have allready left MU and returned twice. The polite people call it character, but I know what it really is. I know that normal people think I must be lazy. I know that most professors think I belong in a padded room. I know that I am the problem child, the thorn in the side of academia. The worst is that I know that I am a disappointment to the few who have believed in me. I guess the bright side is that people might start seeing me for what I really am, the grotesque form that belongs in a corner or closet somewhere. Now that's a pedestal on which I could stand.

Every day, I wake up to put on the same skirt with the same holes and the same red shoes that occasionally peek out from the fraying edges. Most of the time I love my skirt. I love that when I wear a different color shirt, it is not the same. I love that it gives and takes when it needs (except for the stairs). I don't have to fit into it, it fits me. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that life is comprised of flowing skirts and funky shoes. But for once, I just pray that I could stop running upstairs without a hand to sweep the skirt away from my toes and with asthma (I do have asthma, but that's not the point.) What is wrong with me? Since I was young, I was told that I was smart. In elementary school they put me in a special program for the gifted. In junior high I scored the same on my ACT as some of my friends at graduation. Ok, so if I am not stupid, there must be something else wrong with me, I think I am just an anomale (forgive my spelling). Maybe I am actually so stupid that people think it impossible!!! I will be easier swept aside as a genius freak. Well, maybe , just maybe, I have finally earned that right..........maybe I really do have the secrets locked away in my lumpy skull.........here it is.......ready?...........I don't know if you can handle it.........(drumroll)......................................there is nothing genius about me, I just look at things differently in a way that doesn't allow me to relate to others or perform normally in society, I am a screw up, a hard headed monkey who enjoys hitting it's head up against masonry!!!!!!!! ( maybe I should take up coconut picking)................................there, maybe now everyone can see me for what I really am............an ordinary monkey that has natural tendencies for jumping up and down, patting my head, and throwing my own feces.

Okay, so I know that I probably wouldn't throw feces in the eyes of Christ. Wait!!!! Scratch that, in the eyes of Christ I may be a little more domesticated............who am I kidding, I do it all the time. Everytime I give in to sin, I might as well just crap right on Him. How is it that He still loves me, when even all the other monkeys don't?

I will leave with this..........NO, I don't actually think that I am a monkey. NO, I don't throw my feces. I guess I just think that how come everyone sees me for what I am not, instead of what I am? Why do I want to finish college? WHy can't I finish college even when I do know why? Why do I feel so incapable? You'd think that a glass vessel with this many holes wouldn't be able to hold the amount of pressure necessary for implosion!