Rebuilding....

As I look back on the past 10 months it's amazing to realize where God has brought me! For those who have witnessed my life and for those who haven't...there are times that seem completely lost to me. Just by reading this blog, checking out my facebook or MySpace pics it is evident that there are extended periods of emptiness. Even these pics and posts are empty in some ways...I have considered deleting them and starting fresh... but I am tired of being ashamed of my past; afraid of what others might think. Instead I feel like I need to keep them there....as testaments to what God has done in my life.

Even now I am thinking, "well, so and so might think that I am writing this bc of this or bc of that," or "I hope so and so doesn't read this!" FEAR! It is a bunch of crap that is not of God.... So, I am here to say, "think what you want." Of course, I want to be considerate of others, but I am not going back to those places. Too many times I let sin keep me from partaking in joy. My hope for all is to think on all things that are good....

In 2 Corinthians 10: 5 we are told to take our thoughts captive and to cast down all things that set themselves against the knowledge of God...
I will be the first to admit that I haven't been good at this lately. I haven't been diligent at guarding the gates to my mind. The difference is that today I know that I can still walk in victory. I know the valleys that I have walked through; the places I have seen in myself. I am a new creation, a child of the most high God! So, I am looking at the altars he has told me to set; reminders of His promises and His provision, and His glory.

Beside all of the things mentioned in my last post, are about a gazillion others that have been placed upon my heart... What does it mean to inhabit His kingdom? Also, what role does committment play in this? First of all, I want to say that my committment to Christ is not in question, it is more a question of what does it look like? What does it look like to follow Christ? And what it comes down to.. what does it look like to love? I am not talking about the romantic stuff, but I mean uninhibited, unadulterated, pure, unconditional, abounding love... that is God, cuz as we read in His Word....GOD IS LOVE!

So we find it in His Word...in His Spirit....in a complete and utter dependence on Him. While in my head I know that this love must come from Him, and that I have to seek Him to know, accept, and give love....I know that I haven't been very disciplined in doing this as of late. Recently, there have been many days of fretting over stuff and striving to be something or do something. But, striving just wears me out...and I am tired. I need to approach my lack of discipline in reading the Word and being transparent in places such as this blog. This means that I need to write without everything sounding just so...and I need to stop fearing and just be. I am not ripping on myself, just putting that out there as a confession. Thus, I ask for forgiveness from God and you, my brothers and sisters, and thank God for his grace and mercy. I am also asking for accountability in these places of difficulty.

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I have felt convicted about these things for a long time, fearing, striving, not being present in my community (including my online community). Thus, my resorting to posting pictures and posting journal entries and posting updates about God's work in me. I don't want to be legalistic, but I do need to learn and practice the consistency of standing firm in the knowledge that... I am a free woman, a beloved daughter in the kingdom who is working things out and learning how to be, and live in this moment.

As a monument to this committment I will post a pic or two of me right now, just as I am (in desperate need of a shower..yah, I smell!) on Facebook...and maybe my MySpace.

If you have managed to read this far....Thanks for your patience!

Love on!