He's a jerk, but he's my jerk!

I didn't want this week to come, and now I don't want it to end. It will be the last time I see my brother before he leaves for Iraq. He is an Army Combat Engineer and will be leaving from Hawaii in December. Originally, he wasn't scheduled for deployment for another year, but the jerk didn't want to wait. In one way, I am proud of him for doing what he believes in, but another part of me is ROYALLY TICKED at him. And now, I want to be angry with him, and tell him off and scream at him. I love him so much, and I don't think he knows that I just can't lose him... How dare he leave me here alone? I already have one brother with a terminal brain tumor, and he insists on going to war?!?! If I could willingly force myself to hurt him at all, this would be the time. However, I have never been able to, and I still can't now.

Despite my anger, I don't want this time together to be wasted. I want to soak in every second and then hold on tight. I want him to know that I love him no matter what, and I want him to have confidence in his decision.

Anyway, that's a bit of what has been on my mind and my heart lately. As jumbled as it all feels to me right now, I don't know if it is making any sense.

Dear God, please give me the courage to see my brother this week, and to enjoy the time that you have given us together!

Pondering...

...characteristics of civilization

...implications of reconstructing the past

...the existence of genuine Christian faith in Eastern Orthodoxy

...the structure of Eastern Orthodoxy and its relationship to the formation and development of Russia and Russian identity

...how Russia has affected Eastern Orthodoxy

...the beauty in the ability of life to be enigmatically simple and complex

...the basic questions which need to be answered in order to write a decent paper

...where I will go from here

...why I am writing here, when I should be working

...how I wish Central Bead Co. were open right now

...how God is changing my heart

...HOW I REALLY NEED TO STOP PONDERING, SO THAT I CAN FINISH MY WORK!