Outcry...

This may not seem cohesive, but I have learned that, often, the emergence of grace and mercy find magnification and unification between the lines…

Listen.
Can’t you hear it?
Wait.
I tell you, it is coming!
Watch.
You’ll see that it has arrived.
Stand.
I tell you, it was always here.

The weight of Silence equally influences the movement; a compulsory instrument of provocation…

It’s time the pendulum return, thankfully, in a slightly different position…


While I have learned a lot about boldness, recent revelation has uncovered a lack of softness there. I asked the Lord to take me deeper, and in my silence He has been faithful. Mind you, not ALL of my silence has been righteous before the Lord. There has been a good deal of it entwined with the dark fruits of fear. Regardless, this is where I am once again humbled by his grace and his mercy. There is no love I can offer in exchange for the pruning, but that was his plan; a free offering.

With all the discernment that I have at the moment, the cry that constantly resonates in my heart is that of gentleness. I confess that I have been bitter and fearful and arrogant. In my coarseness, I have made mistakes right and left. Yet with conviction these things become gentle reminders from the Lord that I simply don’t exist outside of His grace and mercy. All that is around us and in us is His. The sacrifice is His. Praise Him for our smallness!

To think, God uses the 500 page biographies of such infamous leaders as Stalin in juxtaposition with a free 122-page book that proffers the reasons why Jesus came to die in a concise, yet powerful, work. Uh-MA-ZING!

Praise the Lord!

Just a Snippet!

It's been awhile since I last blogged...grrr...I feel like every time I try I just get really busy and have difficulty going to bed because I feel like I am missing out on stuff. I don't like to miss out on things....people things. I think that it would help me to get on a sleep schedule, but for some reason I am fighting this. I think a lot of it has to do with work. I can't say that I hate it there, but I just don't look forward to going to work most days. Honestly, I really don't mind opening, but I really hate closing one night and then opening the next day. I don't like not having a schedule or feeling like my days off are really going to be my days off. I do like that I get to talk about my faith, and I am free to speak truth to them in ways that I couldn't elsewhere. I feel like I am going from one mode to another without...and I really hate that I can't just be savoring those moments...because instead, in the back of my mind I am always knowing that I am being paid to make the sale. I don't want to sell people things they don't want or need, but I know that part of this is that they have the choice to say no as well. In one way, business intrigues me and on the other hand, I get so tired of it being the focus there. I need to leave, and yet I need to make the time to find a job in order to do so! I will be the first to admit that I continue to struggle to find the discipline of being in the Word....I know that it's about accountability, and about not wanting to face things inside that I know are coming. What I am afraid of, I don't know. I only know that I don't want to be afraid of it anymore. I don't want it to rule me. Fear is not my friend, in fact it is the antithesis of who God is...LOVE! I am tired of it, I am tired of a lot of things that I have been ignoring for far too long. I am not sure what all of this means but, there it is.

As far as what I have been doing for the past few weeks, well, there has been a lot. First of all, I have been working a lot of crazy back and forth hours as usual. Also, I have been spending some quality time talking with some great people. I guess the biggest things is that Kim and I have moved. We are now both living with Glenn and Cathy while our stuff is crammed into storage. Okay, so most of it is my stuff. We don't plan to live here permanantly , but meanwhile we are taking a test drive in intentional living together. Though, I don't this is really like a test drive, because I really don't plan on returning the car. There might be some enhancements and repairs along the way, but overall I know that it is not just about right or wrong, it's about being; about seeking Him. Anyway, this is just a snippet of what is actually going on in my head, but the rest of that will have to come later. Currently, Kim and I are praying through a possible move to the trailer park and a specific trailer that has opened up. Also, what do we look in this like and what does it mean to be a part of kingdom movements? I guess the real question in all of it is...Why do we think that our life up to this point has not been a part of these kingdom happenings? There has and will always be grace and mercy and a need to go deeper with Him. I guess the difference is that whole intentional part. Because I really don't think that the kingdom is something that we can avoid or choose to not be a part of...I just think that there is a beauty in being aware of how He is moving in us, and allows us to be more available to the specific things that He is calling us to...I am too tired to know if any of this makes sense, so I will stop here.

The gist of my life right now is this...I am seeing the change in the simple things. What this means, I don't know yet. I just know that it's what I am seeing.

Much Love to All!

Streams of fish...wait, I mean consciousness!

Well, since I said I would work on writing even when I feel like I don't have anything to say.....that's what I am doing. Right now. Right here. I am writing....Lalala! Just writing away..... So, how about those clouds, eh? Speaking of "eh" I want to go fishing. How does this remind me of fishing? Well, my dad has been going up to Norcan Lake in Calabogie, Ontario for a long time now.....and at different times, my brothers and I have had the opportunity to go with him. In fact, we just went last summer! I think it was the most relaxing trip I have ever been on....even in the midst of all the crap that I was going through. We stayed in a simple little cabin (this one in fact, but without there was no tv) with one bedroom and a pull out bed.... The kitchen was modest, but I decided that it was the best kitchen I had ever cooked in because of the windows and overall brightness! I miss long days on the boat....fishing for panfish, and northerns....The bass are usually spawning, and thus, out of season. However, they tend to bite like crazy! I am not talking little ones, but huge fatties! My favorite methods tend to be simple...1. an ultralite with a softbodied jig with a weighted hook. 2. an ultralite with a rooster tail, cream worm, or a jitterbug. 3. fly fishing! ( I have only done it once.....but whoa....as peaceful as it is beautiful) Besides these three, trolling can be great too, and I don't mind using spinners and such.....I just have to be in the mood. Of course, my absolute favorite part is talking to my dad about fishing...looking at the new lures that he has created. He also makes rods....one day I would like for him to make one for me... This last time at Norcan, my brother and I finally learned how to filet fish...I thought I would hate it, but it turns out that it's actually fun. Yah, that's right fun....
I need to buy an Ohio fishing license as soon as we figure out our living situation!

Intercession....

Okay, after all that talk about fishing and nature I just wanted to get out there so I went out for a walk in the cool of the evening. I love late night walks. It's been many years, but I still remember the late night walks that my mom, her friends, and their daughters (who were also my good friends) used to take. We would walk the dark country roads and talk and listen to the gravel shoulders crunch beneath our feet. Gosh, those were good times. I miss the country, can you tell? Don't get me wrong, I am quite content where I am now....because I know it's precisely where God would have me, but sometimes it's nice to dream of cool summer nights, and old friends and fish....

Tonight as I walked I talked on the phone with my dad a bit....I listened to him make fun of tree huggers and ecologists......and then I told him a bit about energy conservation and being wise about our treatment of God's creation. He received it well, but I don't expect that he'll change his lifestyle any time soon....Who knows though, more awesome things have happened in my dad already! God is good.

Basically, after talking to Glenn and Cathy, after their trip to Yellowstone....and since God has been giving me more of a heart for His creation in general....a lot of my thoughts on my walk seemed to revolve around the stars....I decided that I don't appreciate them enough. In fact, I used to get bored looking at them. However, I think it's just a matter of going to a place where I can really see them....a place without the light pollution of the city...a place of peace; quiet....

Okay....so that's that... I wrote something like I said I would..... and to think all I could start with is a La la la!

Like every day, I could use a little prayer....

Okay, so we have all had those days. Those days where you want to turn around and head for the old self. Run straight from those hills of newness into the jagged pits of woe. Comparatively, to others' lives that is, I have nothing to complain about. Thus, I won't complain. However, here is what is going on....
1. Tomorrow is my day off, but I volunteered to go into work to run a special event at our store. I feel very unprepared for this, but I am trusting that God will show up with His overflowing mercy and grace. 2. I need to be looking for another job.
3. Kim and I need to be out of our place by the end of the month bc it has been rented and that's when our lease is up anyway. 4. Kim and I need to go and look at a trailer tomorrow (if possible). 5. Clubhouse meal prep is this week and I really want to help. 6. Kim and I need to spend some time in prayer together about possibly moving to the trailer park. 8. I really want to reach out to these kids tomorrow morning....I want to pour God's love over them....even if the methods are modest. 9. I really need to deal with some things....noticing some control issues rearing their ugly heads! 10. Somewhere in it all, I would like to find time for sleep and renewal. 11. In all of it, trying to learn how to maintain and not sabotage relationships with peeps (all peeps, mind you).

Father, God...thank you for your victory in me! Thank you that you can make mountains out of mole hills and turn mole hills into mountains! Thanks for going deeper. Thank you for making all of this worth it!

Rebuilding....

As I look back on the past 10 months it's amazing to realize where God has brought me! For those who have witnessed my life and for those who haven't...there are times that seem completely lost to me. Just by reading this blog, checking out my facebook or MySpace pics it is evident that there are extended periods of emptiness. Even these pics and posts are empty in some ways...I have considered deleting them and starting fresh... but I am tired of being ashamed of my past; afraid of what others might think. Instead I feel like I need to keep them there....as testaments to what God has done in my life.

Even now I am thinking, "well, so and so might think that I am writing this bc of this or bc of that," or "I hope so and so doesn't read this!" FEAR! It is a bunch of crap that is not of God.... So, I am here to say, "think what you want." Of course, I want to be considerate of others, but I am not going back to those places. Too many times I let sin keep me from partaking in joy. My hope for all is to think on all things that are good....

In 2 Corinthians 10: 5 we are told to take our thoughts captive and to cast down all things that set themselves against the knowledge of God...
I will be the first to admit that I haven't been good at this lately. I haven't been diligent at guarding the gates to my mind. The difference is that today I know that I can still walk in victory. I know the valleys that I have walked through; the places I have seen in myself. I am a new creation, a child of the most high God! So, I am looking at the altars he has told me to set; reminders of His promises and His provision, and His glory.

Beside all of the things mentioned in my last post, are about a gazillion others that have been placed upon my heart... What does it mean to inhabit His kingdom? Also, what role does committment play in this? First of all, I want to say that my committment to Christ is not in question, it is more a question of what does it look like? What does it look like to follow Christ? And what it comes down to.. what does it look like to love? I am not talking about the romantic stuff, but I mean uninhibited, unadulterated, pure, unconditional, abounding love... that is God, cuz as we read in His Word....GOD IS LOVE!

So we find it in His Word...in His Spirit....in a complete and utter dependence on Him. While in my head I know that this love must come from Him, and that I have to seek Him to know, accept, and give love....I know that I haven't been very disciplined in doing this as of late. Recently, there have been many days of fretting over stuff and striving to be something or do something. But, striving just wears me out...and I am tired. I need to approach my lack of discipline in reading the Word and being transparent in places such as this blog. This means that I need to write without everything sounding just so...and I need to stop fearing and just be. I am not ripping on myself, just putting that out there as a confession. Thus, I ask for forgiveness from God and you, my brothers and sisters, and thank God for his grace and mercy. I am also asking for accountability in these places of difficulty.

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I have felt convicted about these things for a long time, fearing, striving, not being present in my community (including my online community). Thus, my resorting to posting pictures and posting journal entries and posting updates about God's work in me. I don't want to be legalistic, but I do need to learn and practice the consistency of standing firm in the knowledge that... I am a free woman, a beloved daughter in the kingdom who is working things out and learning how to be, and live in this moment.

As a monument to this committment I will post a pic or two of me right now, just as I am (in desperate need of a shower..yah, I smell!) on Facebook...and maybe my MySpace.

If you have managed to read this far....Thanks for your patience!

Love on!

I feel like it's Christmas, and I am about 5 years old!

I sit here listening to a deal being made between my landlord and a prospective tenant for our place. Now, I suppose I should be glad that they are negotiating, bc it's a bit closer to our place being rented. This means that we are a bit closer to not having to deal with showing our place all the time. However, as I type this a deal has been struck and it seems that papers are getting signed which means that we really are moving...AGAIN! Mind you, I am neither completely thrilled, nor surprised, seeing as our lease is up at the end of this month and I really don't enjoy moving. It's just amazing to get to witness God closing a door for us, and even more amazing to think about what door he has opened! I am not worried about these things, but I am curious to see where God leads us in this.

It has been pretty incredible to experience what God has been pouring into my heart as of late; amazingly, wonderfully, and awesomely moving! Some days I just can't even put into words what He is showing me. Through it all, a few things keep surfacing:

1. Love
2. Victory is here, now.
3. This life is not my own.

The simplicity of these things are well....just simple, yet incredibly profound (notice how I resisted the use of enigmatically simple though this is exactly why I named my blog as such!). And I don't mean just at a head level. It's like I have reached another leg in my journey; I am at a bubbling over point, where everything in my being wants to shout and scream and dance and run and hop and skip and tumble and jump and laugh!!!! Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I thank you for this fire in my belly. I praise your name above all names! Send me where you wish; lead and I will follow! Lord, if you want me in the trailer park, I want to be in the trailer park....if you want me to live in my car, I want to be there with joy in my heart....if you want me in suburbia, I want to be excited about your will there........if you want me in the U.S., Russia, Iraq, Africa, or the darkest place in the world, Lord, I want to run there without looking back....Lord, show me your heart for me, for this world, and teach me to know your ways.

Phew! God is good!

For now, I am going to take a nap before work.

Peace out, yo!

The Moving Blues

Well, it has been a long time since I last posted. There are a lot of things that I have to say, but not enough time to say them. Thus, I will have to catch everyone up at a later date. For now I can tell you a few things that are going on in my life. First of all, I am living in Oxford with one of the most awesome people I know, Kim Birchfield (God always seems to bless me with FANTASTIC housemates!). Before we got our place in January, the Johnsons graciously let me stay with them. I am super excited that we Finally got our furniture and I now get to sleep in my favorite bed of all time. There is nothing like one's own bed! AHHHHH!!! Also, once I unpack everything, I am looking forward to having Glenn and Cathy over for a long overdue dinner.

As I have been unpacking today, I have decided that I really want to get rid of stuff. I have too much stuff! Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my stuff. Unfortunately, all of this stuff doesn't lend itself to a transient lifestyle. There are a few things that I would like to keep. These include my bed, of course, and my desk. Sadly, the bed is quite large and impractical and the desk is hard to move. I just can't seem to part with my big old metal teacher's desk. There is just nothing like sitting at a huge and solid desk.

The other thing I don't like about moving is the expense! Even with a good deal, I spent a good amount of money on a uhaul. What really got me was the fuel. I just can't afford to keep moving. If I didn't move for another 2 years, I think it would be too soon. The reality is that we will probably be moving again in July. That is, unless Kim is also as tired of moving as I am....hmmmm??? I suppose it comes down to what God wants for me in all of this. After all, this life is not my own.

A Year and Longer It has been

A year and longer it has been
Since my words has one read
Much the same now completely changed
A different woman a familiar name

A year and longer it has been
Since my voice has one heard
Waning chords now joyous song
A different woman a familiar name

A year and longer it has been
Since my heart has one touched
Empty rythm now beating strong
A different woman a familiar name

A year and longer it has been
Since my spirit has one felt
Broken wings now soaring high
A different woman a fimiliar name

A year and longer it has been
Since my presence has one seen
Desolate form now radiant light
A different woman a different name

A bit o' entertainment!

Okay, my housemate cheered me up today when she showed me this website where horses sing! Oh, so much fun! Enjoy:)

He's a jerk, but he's my jerk!

I didn't want this week to come, and now I don't want it to end. It will be the last time I see my brother before he leaves for Iraq. He is an Army Combat Engineer and will be leaving from Hawaii in December. Originally, he wasn't scheduled for deployment for another year, but the jerk didn't want to wait. In one way, I am proud of him for doing what he believes in, but another part of me is ROYALLY TICKED at him. And now, I want to be angry with him, and tell him off and scream at him. I love him so much, and I don't think he knows that I just can't lose him... How dare he leave me here alone? I already have one brother with a terminal brain tumor, and he insists on going to war?!?! If I could willingly force myself to hurt him at all, this would be the time. However, I have never been able to, and I still can't now.

Despite my anger, I don't want this time together to be wasted. I want to soak in every second and then hold on tight. I want him to know that I love him no matter what, and I want him to have confidence in his decision.

Anyway, that's a bit of what has been on my mind and my heart lately. As jumbled as it all feels to me right now, I don't know if it is making any sense.

Dear God, please give me the courage to see my brother this week, and to enjoy the time that you have given us together!

Pondering...

...characteristics of civilization

...implications of reconstructing the past

...the existence of genuine Christian faith in Eastern Orthodoxy

...the structure of Eastern Orthodoxy and its relationship to the formation and development of Russia and Russian identity

...how Russia has affected Eastern Orthodoxy

...the beauty in the ability of life to be enigmatically simple and complex

...the basic questions which need to be answered in order to write a decent paper

...where I will go from here

...why I am writing here, when I should be working

...how I wish Central Bead Co. were open right now

...how God is changing my heart

...HOW I REALLY NEED TO STOP PONDERING, SO THAT I CAN FINISH MY WORK!

I fell off the face of the earth...ie. Classes started

I really has been way too long since I have posted. The start of the school year is always insane, but this year takes the cake...
First of all, I had to write a ten page paper about Russian Thaw cinema. Yes, I had all summer to do it, but life just wouldn't be as interesting if I had done it early. Of course, not! Instead I finally got a good start on it a few days before it was due! Procrastination is not one of my best qualities, but this time I really attempted to do it sooner...I can't even count the number of times that I took out my books and tried to research, but to no avail. My great idea of taking myself off of caffiene this summer was not the most beneficial. Yes, I have ADD, and since I don't want to take meds, I usually use caffiene for concentration. Without it, English looks like Russian, and though it's my major, it also looks like something foreign. Often, when it's really bad, my thoughts race so quickly that I lose my words and can't get out more than a stutter. I think the only reason I was able to blog this summer is because I usually wrote after blading, that is also part of my self medication... It is not fun to deal with, but I get through by the grace of God. In fact, I am thankful for it, because I could have it a lot worse....My grandfather, mother, and little brother have all battled epilepsy and then my other bro has a brain tumor. Yah, so overall, I feel blessed to only have ADD. BTW, I finished the paper with a little help from the Zenfo Pro! He taught me how to set up my paper so that it wasn't so overwhelming. In case anyone doesn't know yet, Librarians ROCK!

Hmmmm.....what else has been going on? Well, I wrote about a leaky pipe awhile back...Virgi, please don't hate me for not telling you...but since then we have had to deal with some mold in our basement and in my housemate's room. Yah, I didn't want to cause any unneccesary stress, Vir. Fortunately, my landlords came to do extensive repairs. Unfortunately, they came when I was writing my paper and classes were starting! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh! Good news is...the problem has been taken care of! Praise God!

Last but not least, my littlest bro graduated from AIT last week! He is now a bonified soldier for the United States Army! I couldn't go to his graduation at Fort Leonard Wood in Mossouri, but I got to spend time with him over the weekend. It was really good. He has always been super strong, but now I think he could take on a small army. While in Basic he was made Platoon Guide, and his Drill Sargeants have put him on the path for the same in the future. I am so proud of him! I love him so much, and I HATE the thought of him going to Iraq (which is highly likely), but I know that this is what he has always dreamed of doing. I'll have to write more on it later, but yah, I think one can get the gist. My Brother ROCKS!

Anyway, I will try to put myself back on the map, but I am not quite sure when or where I will appear. I only have four classes, but they require about 20 text books! Maybe I will post that list later. So far, I have finished 1. Only 20 to go! Arrrrgh! I am a slow reader too! I really have to get to bed, but I apologize for the abrupt absence. Trust me, I love learning, but it's only the second week and I find myself saying, "I would rather be blogging." I miss you all! Take care and God Bless!

God, thank you for my friends!

There are times I find myself complaining about relationships with people in general, but I must say that I have been blessed with some of the world's greatest friends! Not only do they spend time with me, they also speak truth, and love me no matter what! This is not about expectations or trust or anything, just a huge bit of thankfulness for peeps who meet me where I am. I love you all!

I will have to write more later, because the landlord's son is coming back in the early AM with a handyman to repair our broken toilet (that's a whole other issue!....grrrrr... but at least it's getting fixed!)....Must get some sleep!

For the Old School Nintendo fans everywhere!

I haven't played video games for a long time, but growing up with two younger brothers got me hooked for while. Here are some classic tunes that I found linked when I was blog surfing the other day......If you have ever played the original nintendo, you will sooooooooooooooooooo love this!

CLICK HERE & HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!

Soon, I will get around to posting something real.....I promise;)

A Bit O' Clarification

My goal is to address something that has been on my heart for a little while....
In responding to a comment posted to my entry "Stilling the Glass Part II"I made a statement that I feel could easily be misunderstood:

The point is that we have to realize the boundaries of our logic in order to use it appropriately. In the end, it doesn't matter what brings us to truth, but that we arrived at all.

In saying this, I did not mean to incorrectly represent myself as believing that truth is "whatever floats your boat" or that I believe in "Anonymous Christianity"; I DON'T believe that consciously accepting Jesus as savior can be bypassed in the realization of truth. What I do believe is that Jesus, who is fully man, is also fully God. Thus, as a physical manifestation of God, He is not separable from this truth. It is through free will that every sinner has been given the opportunity to make the decision to accept Jesus as savior, regardless of whether or not the person is emotionally or logically motivated at the onset of the decision making process.

I apologize if my original statement, out of context, seemed misleading to anyone. That was not my intent. When writing, I often forget the importance of elaborating on these thoughts;)