Enigmatic Simplicity

Outcry...

2008-05-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

This may not seem cohesive, but I have learned that, often, the emergence of grace and mercy find magnification and unification between the lines…

Listen.
Can’t you hear it?
Wait.
I tell you, it is coming!
Watch.
You’ll see that it has arrived.
Stand.
I tell you, it was always here.

The weight of Silence equally influences the movement; a compulsory instrument of provocation…

It’s time the pendulum return, thankfully, in a slightly different position…

While I have learned a lot about boldness, recent revelation has uncovered a lack of softness there. I asked the Lord to take me deeper, and in my silence He has been faithful. Mind you, not ALL of my silence has been righteous before the Lord. There has been a good deal of it entwined with the dark fruits of fear. Regardless, this is where I am once again humbled by his grace and his mercy. There is no love I can offer in exchange for the pruning, but that was his plan; a free offering.

With all the discernment that I have at the moment, the cry that constantly resonates in my heart is that of gentleness. I confess that I have been bitter and fearful and arrogant. In my coarseness, I have made mistakes right and left. Yet with conviction these things become gentle reminders from the Lord that I simply don’t exist outside of His grace and mercy. All that is around us and in us is His. The sacrifice is His. Praise Him for our smallness!

To think, God uses the 500 page biographies of such infamous leaders as Stalin in juxtaposition with a free 122-page book that proffers the reasons why Jesus came to die in a concise, yet powerful, work. Uh-MA-ZING!

Praise the Lord!

Just a Snippet!

2007-08-03T21:52:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged...grrr...I feel like every time I try I just get really busy and have difficulty going to bed because I feel like I am missing out on stuff. I don't like to miss out on things....people things. I think that it would help me to get on a sleep schedule, but for some reason I am fighting this. I think a lot of it has to do with work. I can't say that I hate it there, but I just don't look forward to going to work most days. Honestly, I really don't mind opening, but I really hate closing one night and then opening the next day. I don't like not having a schedule or feeling like my days off are really going to be my days off. I do like that I get to talk about my faith, and I am free to speak truth to them in ways that I couldn't elsewhere. I feel like I am going from one mode to another without...and I really hate that I can't just be savoring those moments...because instead, in the back of my mind I am always knowing that I am being paid to make the sale. I don't want to sell people things they don't want or need, but I know that part of this is that they have the choice to say no as well. In one way, business intrigues me and on the other hand, I get so tired of it being the focus there. I need to leave, and yet I need to make the time to find a job in order to do so! I will be the first to admit that I continue to struggle to find the discipline of being in the Word....I know that it's about accountability, and about not wanting to face things inside that I know are coming. What I am afraid of, I don't know. I only know that I don't want to be afraid of it anymore. I don't want it to rule me. Fear is not my friend, in fact it is the antithesis of who God is...LOVE! I am tired of it, I am tired of a lot of things that I have been ignoring for far too long. I am not sure what all of this means but, there it is.

As far as what I have been doing for the past few weeks, well, there has been a lot. First of all, I have been working a lot of crazy back and forth hours as usual. Also, I have been spending some quality time talking with some great people. I guess the biggest things is that Kim and I have moved. We are now both living with Glenn and Cathy while our stuff is crammed into storage. Okay, so most of it is my stuff. We don't plan to live here permanantly , but meanwhile we are taking a test drive in intentional living together. Though, I don't this is really like a test drive, because I really don't plan on returning the car. There might be some enhancements and repairs along the way, but overall I know that it is not just about right or wrong, it's about being; about seeking Him. Anyway, this is just a snippet of what is actually going on in my head, but the rest of that will have to come later. Currently, Kim and I are praying through a possible move to the trailer park and a specific trailer that has opened up. Also, what do we look in this like and what does it mean to be a part of kingdom movements? I guess the real question in all of it is...Why do we think that our life up to this point has not been a part of these kingdom happenings? There has and will always be grace and mercy and a need to go deeper with Him. I guess the difference is that whole intentional part. Because I really don't think that the kingdom is something that we can avoid or choose to not be a part of...I just think that there is a beauty in being aware of how He is moving in us, and allows us to be more available to the specific things that He is calling us to...I am too tired to know if any of this makes sense, so I will stop here.

The gist of my life right now is this...I am seeing the change in the simple things. What this means, I don't know yet. I just know that it's what I am seeing.

Much Love to All!

Streams of fish...wait, I mean consciousness!

2007-07-13T21:12:00.001-05:00

Well, since I said I would work on writing even when I feel like I don't have anything to say.....that's what I am doing. Right now. Right here. I am writing....Lalala! Just writing away..... So, how about those clouds, eh? Speaking of "eh" I want to go fishing. How does this remind me of fishing? Well, my dad has been going up to Norcan Lake in Calabogie, Ontario for a long time now.....and at different times, my brothers and I have had the opportunity to go with him. In fact, we just went last summer! I think it was the most relaxing trip I have ever been on....even in the midst of all the crap that I was going through. We stayed in a simple little cabin (this one in fact, but without there was no tv) with one bedroom and a pull out bed.... The kitchen was modest, but I decided that it was the best kitchen I had ever cooked in because of the windows and overall brightness! I miss long days on the boat....fishing for panfish, and northerns....The bass are usually spawning, and thus, out of season. However, they tend to bite like crazy! I am not talking little ones, but huge fatties! My favorite methods tend to be simple...1. an ultralite with a softbodied jig with a weighted hook. 2. an ultralite with a rooster tail, cream worm, or a jitterbug. 3. fly fishing! ( I have only done it once.....but whoa....as peaceful as it is beautiful) Besides these three, trolling can be great too, and I don't mind using spinners and such.....I just have to be in the mood. Of course, my absolute favorite part is talking to my dad about fishing...looking at the new lures that he has created. He also makes rods....one day I would like for him to make one for me... This last time at Norcan, my brother and I finally learned how to filet fish...I thought I would hate it, but it turns out that it's actually fun. Yah, that's right fun....
I need to buy an Ohio fishing license as soon as we figure out our living situation!

Intercession....

Okay, after all that talk about fishing and nature I just wanted to get out there so I went out for a walk in the cool of the evening. I love late night walks. It's been many years, but I still remember the late night walks that my mom, her friends, and their daughters (who were also my good friends) used to take. We would walk the dark country roads and talk and listen to the gravel shoulders crunch beneath our feet. Gosh, those were good times. I miss the country, can you tell? Don't get me wrong, I am quite content where I am now....because I know it's precisely where God would have me, but sometimes it's nice to dream of cool summer nights, and old friends and fish....

Tonight as I walked I talked on the phone with my dad a bit....I listened to him make fun of tree huggers and ecologists......and then I told him a bit about energy conservation and being wise about our treatment of God's creation. He received it well, but I don't expect that he'll change his lifestyle any time soon....Who knows though, more awesome things have happened in my dad already! God is good.

Basically, after talking to Glenn and Cathy, after their trip to Yellowstone....and since God has been giving me more of a heart for His creation in general....a lot of my thoughts on my walk seemed to revolve around the stars....I decided that I don't appreciate them enough. In fact, I used to get bored looking at them. However, I think it's just a matter of going to a place where I can really see them....a place without the light pollution of the city...a place of peace; quiet....

Okay....so that's that... I wrote something like I said I would..... and to think all I could start with is a La la la!

Like every day, I could use a little prayer....

2007-07-09T22:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, so we have all had those days. Those days where you want to turn around and head for the old self. Run straight from those hills of newness into the jagged pits of woe. Comparatively, to others' lives that is, I have nothing to complain about. Thus, I won't complain. However, here is what is going on....
1. Tomorrow is my day off, but I volunteered to go into work to run a special event at our store. I feel very unprepared for this, but I am trusting that God will show up with His overflowing mercy and grace. 2. I need to be looking for another job.
3. Kim and I need to be out of our place by the end of the month bc it has been rented and that's when our lease is up anyway. 4. Kim and I need to go and look at a trailer tomorrow (if possible). 5. Clubhouse meal prep is this week and I really want to help. 6. Kim and I need to spend some time in prayer together about possibly moving to the trailer park. 8. I really want to reach out to these kids tomorrow morning....I want to pour God's love over them....even if the methods are modest. 9. I really need to deal with some things....noticing some control issues rearing their ugly heads! 10. Somewhere in it all, I would like to find time for sleep and renewal. 11. In all of it, trying to learn how to maintain and not sabotage relationships with peeps (all peeps, mind you).

Father, God...thank you for your victory in me! Thank you that you can make mountains out of mole hills and turn mole hills into mountains! Thanks for going deeper. Thank you for making all of this worth it!

Rebuilding....

2007-07-06T20:35:00.000-05:00

As I look back on the past 10 months it's amazing to realize where God has brought me! For those who have witnessed my life and for those who haven't...there are times that seem completely lost to me. Just by reading this blog, checking out my facebook or MySpace pics it is evident that there are extended periods of emptiness. Even these pics and posts are empty in some ways...I have considered deleting them and starting fresh... but I am tired of being ashamed of my past; afraid of what others might think. Instead I feel like I need to keep them there....as testaments to what God has done in my life.

Even now I am thinking, "well, so and so might think that I am writing this bc of this or bc of that," or "I hope so and so doesn't read this!" FEAR! It is a bunch of crap that is not of God.... So, I am here to say, "think what you want." Of course, I want to be considerate of others, but I am not going back to those places. Too many times I let sin keep me from partaking in joy. My hope for all is to think on all things that are good....

In 2 Corinthians 10: 5 we are told to take our thoughts captive and to cast down all things that set themselves against the knowledge of God...
I will be the first to admit that I haven't been good at this lately. I haven't been diligent at guarding the gates to my mind. The difference is that today I know that I can still walk in victory. I know the valleys that I have walked through; the places I have seen in myself. I am a new creation, a child of the most high God! So, I am looking at the altars he has told me to set; reminders of His promises and His provision, and His glory.

Beside all of the things mentioned in my last post, are about a gazillion others that have been placed upon my heart... What does it mean to inhabit His kingdom? Also, what role does committment play in this? First of all, I want to say that my committment to Christ is not in question, it is more a question of what does it look like? What does it look like to follow Christ? And what it comes down to.. what does it look like to love? I am not talking about the romantic stuff, but I mean uninhibited, unadulterated, pure, unconditional, abounding love... that is God, cuz as we read in His Word....GOD IS LOVE!

So we find it in His Word...in His Spirit....in a complete and utter dependence on Him. While in my head I know that this love must come from Him, and that I have to seek Him to know, accept, and give love....I know that I haven't been very disciplined in doing this as of late. Recently, there have been many days of fretting over stuff and striving to be something or do something. But, striving just wears me out...and I am tired. I need to approach my lack of discipline in reading the Word and being transparent in places such as this blog. This means that I need to write without everything sounding just so...and I need to stop fearing and just be. I am not ripping on myself, just putting that out there as a confession. Thus, I ask for forgiveness from God and you, my brothers and sisters, and thank God for his grace and mercy. I am also asking for accountability in these places of difficulty.

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I have felt convicted about these things for a long time, fearing, striving, not being present in my community (including my online community). Thus, my resorting to posting pictures and posting journal entries and posting updates about God's work in me. I don't want to be legalistic, but I do need to learn and practice the consistency of standing firm in the knowledge that... I am a free woman, a beloved daughter in the kingdom who is working things out and learning how to be, and live in this moment.

As a monument to this committment I will post a pic or two of me right now, just as I am (in desperate need of a shower..yah, I smell!) on Facebook...and maybe my MySpace.

If you have managed to read this far....Thanks for your patience!

Love on!

I feel like it's Christmas, and I am about 5 years old!

2007-07-05T09:42:00.001-05:00

I sit here listening to a deal being made between my landlord and a prospective tenant for our place. Now, I suppose I should be glad that they are negotiating, bc it's a bit closer to our place being rented. This means that we are a bit closer to not having to deal with showing our place all the time. However, as I type this a deal has been struck and it seems that papers are getting signed which means that we really are moving...AGAIN! Mind you, I am neither completely thrilled, nor surprised, seeing as our lease is up at the end of this month and I really don't enjoy moving. It's just amazing to get to witness God closing a door for us, and even more amazing to think about what door he has opened! I am not worried about these things, but I am curious to see where God leads us in this.

It has been pretty incredible to experience what God has been pouring into my heart as of late; amazingly, wonderfully, and awesomely moving! Some days I just can't even put into words what He is showing me. Through it all, a few things keep surfacing:

1. Love
2. Victory is here, now.
3. This life is not my own.

The simplicity of these things are well....just simple, yet incredibly profound (notice how I resisted the use of enigmatically simple though this is exactly why I named my blog as such!). And I don't mean just at a head level. It's like I have reached another leg in my journey; I am at a bubbling over point, where everything in my being wants to shout and scream and dance and run and hop and skip and tumble and jump and laugh!!!! Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I thank you for this fire in my belly. I praise your name above all names! Send me where you wish; lead and I will follow! Lord, if you want me in the trailer park, I want to be in the trailer park....if you want me to live in my car, I want to be there with joy in my heart....if you want me in suburbia, I want to be excited about your will there........if you want me in the U.S., Russia, Iraq, Africa, or the darkest place in the world, Lord, I want to run there without looking back....Lord, show me your heart for me, for this world, and teach me to know your ways.

Phew! God is good!

For now, I am going to take a nap before work.

Peace out, yo!

The Moving Blues

2007-03-23T03:28:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a long time since I last posted. There are a lot of things that I have to say, but not enough time to say them. Thus, I will have to catch everyone up at a later date. For now I can tell you a few things that are going on in my life. First of all, I am living in Oxford with one of the most awesome people I know, Kim Birchfield (God always seems to bless me with FANTASTIC housemates!). Before we got our place in January, the Johnsons graciously let me stay with them. I am super excited that we Finally got our furniture and I now get to sleep in my favorite bed of all time. There is nothing like one's own bed! AHHHHH!!! Also, once I unpack everything, I am looking forward to having Glenn and Cathy over for a long overdue dinner.

As I have been unpacking today, I have decided that I really want to get rid of stuff. I have too much stuff! Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my stuff. Unfortunately, all of this stuff doesn't lend itself to a transient lifestyle. There are a few things that I would like to keep. These include my bed, of course, and my desk. Sadly, the bed is quite large and impractical and the desk is hard to move. I just can't seem to part with my big old metal teacher's desk. There is just nothing like sitting at a huge and solid desk.

The other thing I don't like about moving is the expense! Even with a good deal, I spent a good amount of money on a uhaul. What really got me was the fuel. I just can't afford to keep moving. If I didn't move for another 2 years, I think it would be too soon. The reality is that we will probably be moving again in July. That is, unless Kim is also as tired of moving as I am....hmmmm??? I suppose it comes down to what God wants for me in all of this. After all, this life is not my own.

A Year and Longer It has been

2006-12-20T00:09:00.000-05:00

A year and longer it has been
Since my words has one read
Much the same now completely changed
A different woman a familiar name

A year and longer it has been
Since my voice has one heard
Waning chords now joyous song
A different woman a familiar name

A year and longer it has been
Since my heart has one touched
Empty rythm now beating strong
A different woman a familiar name

A year and longer it has been
Since my spirit has one felt
Broken wings now soaring high
A different woman a fimiliar name

A year and longer it has been
Since my presence has one seen
Desolate form now radiant light
A different woman a different name

A bit o' entertainment!

2005-11-28T22:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, my housemate cheered me up today when she showed me this website where horses sing! Oh, so much fun! Enjoy:)

He's a jerk, but he's my jerk!

2005-10-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

I didn't want this week to come, and now I don't want it to end. It will be the last time I see my brother before he leaves for Iraq. He is an Army Combat Engineer and will be leaving from Hawaii in December. Originally, he wasn't scheduled for deployment for another year, but the jerk didn't want to wait. In one way, I am proud of him for doing what he believes in, but another part of me is ROYALLY TICKED at him. And now, I want to be angry with him, and tell him off and scream at him. I love him so much, and I don't think he knows that I just can't lose him... How dare he leave me here alone? I already have one brother with a terminal brain tumor, and he insists on going to war?!?! If I could willingly force myself to hurt him at all, this would be the time. However, I have never been able to, and I still can't now.

Despite my anger, I don't want this time together to be wasted. I want to soak in every second and then hold on tight. I want him to know that I love him no matter what, and I want him to have confidence in his decision.

Anyway, that's a bit of what has been on my mind and my heart lately. As jumbled as it all feels to me right now, I don't know if it is making any sense.

Dear God, please give me the courage to see my brother this week, and to enjoy the time that you have given us together!

Pondering...

2005-10-02T13:52:00.000-05:00

...characteristics of civilization

...implications of reconstructing the past

...the existence of genuine Christian faith in Eastern Orthodoxy

...the structure of Eastern Orthodoxy and its relationship to the formation and development of Russia and Russian identity

...how Russia has affected Eastern Orthodoxy

...the beauty in the ability of life to be enigmatically simple and complex

...the basic questions which need to be answered in order to write a decent paper

...where I will go from here

...why I am writing here, when I should be working

...how I wish Central Bead Co. were open right now

...how God is changing my heart

...HOW I REALLY NEED TO STOP PONDERING, SO THAT I CAN FINISH MY WORK!

I fell off the face of the earth...ie. Classes started

2005-09-01T23:02:00.000-05:00

I really has been way too long since I have posted. The start of the school year is always insane, but this year takes the cake...
First of all, I had to write a ten page paper about Russian Thaw cinema. Yes, I had all summer to do it, but life just wouldn't be as interesting if I had done it early. Of course, not! Instead I finally got a good start on it a few days before it was due! Procrastination is not one of my best qualities, but this time I really attempted to do it sooner...I can't even count the number of times that I took out my books and tried to research, but to no avail. My great idea of taking myself off of caffiene this summer was not the most beneficial. Yes, I have ADD, and since I don't want to take meds, I usually use caffiene for concentration. Without it, English looks like Russian, and though it's my major, it also looks like something foreign. Often, when it's really bad, my thoughts race so quickly that I lose my words and can't get out more than a stutter. I think the only reason I was able to blog this summer is because I usually wrote after blading, that is also part of my self medication... It is not fun to deal with, but I get through by the grace of God. In fact, I am thankful for it, because I could have it a lot worse....My grandfather, mother, and little brother have all battled epilepsy and then my other bro has a brain tumor. Yah, so overall, I feel blessed to only have ADD. BTW, I finished the paper with a little help from the Zenfo Pro! He taught me how to set up my paper so that it wasn't so overwhelming. In case anyone doesn't know yet, Librarians ROCK!

Hmmmm.....what else has been going on? Well, I wrote about a leaky pipe awhile back...Virgi, please don't hate me for not telling you...but since then we have had to deal with some mold in our basement and in my housemate's room. Yah, I didn't want to cause any unneccesary stress, Vir. Fortunately, my landlords came to do extensive repairs. Unfortunately, they came when I was writing my paper and classes were starting! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh! Good news is...the problem has been taken care of! Praise God!

Last but not least, my littlest bro graduated from AIT last week! He is now a bonified soldier for the United States Army! I couldn't go to his graduation at Fort Leonard Wood in Mossouri, but I got to spend time with him over the weekend. It was really good. He has always been super strong, but now I think he could take on a small army. While in Basic he was made Platoon Guide, and his Drill Sargeants have put him on the path for the same in the future. I am so proud of him! I love him so much, and I HATE the thought of him going to Iraq (which is highly likely), but I know that this is what he has always dreamed of doing. I'll have to write more on it later, but yah, I think one can get the gist. My Brother ROCKS!

Anyway, I will try to put myself back on the map, but I am not quite sure when or where I will appear. I only have four classes, but they require about 20 text books! Maybe I will post that list later. So far, I have finished 1. Only 20 to go! Arrrrgh! I am a slow reader too! I really have to get to bed, but I apologize for the abrupt absence. Trust me, I love learning, but it's only the second week and I find myself saying, "I would rather be blogging." I miss you all! Take care and God Bless!

God, thank you for my friends!

2005-08-17T01:16:00.000-05:00

There are times I find myself complaining about relationships with people in general, but I must say that I have been blessed with some of the world's greatest friends! Not only do they spend time with me, they also speak truth, and love me no matter what! This is not about expectations or trust or anything, just a huge bit of thankfulness for peeps who meet me where I am. I love you all!

I will have to write more later, because the landlord's son is coming back in the early AM with a handyman to repair our broken toilet (that's a whole other issue!....grrrrr... but at least it's getting fixed!)....Must get some sleep!

For the Old School Nintendo fans everywhere!

2005-08-11T18:27:00.000-05:00

I haven't played video games for a long time, but growing up with two younger brothers got me hooked for while. Here are some classic tunes that I found linked when I was blog surfing the other day......If you have ever played the original nintendo, you will sooooooooooooooooooo love this!

CLICK HERE & HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!

Soon, I will get around to posting something real.....I promise;)

A Bit O' Clarification

2005-08-02T14:31:00.000-05:00

My goal is to address something that has been on my heart for a little while....
In responding to a comment posted to my entry "Stilling the Glass Part II"I made a statement that I feel could easily be misunderstood:

The point is that we have to realize the boundaries of our logic in order to use it appropriately. In the end, it doesn't matter what brings us to truth, but that we arrived at all.

In saying this, I did not mean to incorrectly represent myself as believing that truth is "whatever floats your boat" or that I believe in "Anonymous Christianity"; I DON'T believe that consciously accepting Jesus as savior can be bypassed in the realization of truth. What I do believe is that Jesus, who is fully man, is also fully God. Thus, as a physical manifestation of God, He is not separable from this truth. It is through free will that every sinner has been given the opportunity to make the decision to accept Jesus as savior, regardless of whether or not the person is emotionally or logically motivated at the onset of the decision making process.

I apologize if my original statement, out of context, seemed misleading to anyone. That was not my intent. When writing, I often forget the importance of elaborating on these thoughts;)

Rules for the Road

2005-07-31T00:58:00.000-05:00

After many bumps, bruises, and raspberries, I have learned that there are a few basic techniques that are essential in developing the skills of a competent [roller]blader. Here are a few things that your friends probably won't tell you;)

1. Knees should NEVER be locked! Knees should always be bent slightly, or in an almost seated position.

2. The body's weight should be placed on the heels. This will aid in the avoidance of trip ups from small stones and other debris that would otherwise take a skater down. Generally speaking, keep the toes up and knees bent to remain light-footed.

3. Learn to stop without using the factory brake. The extra length the brakes create, tends to catch when rolling off curbs, etc. Snowplows are the easiest...with a firm, wide stance, push both knees inward slightly. Do not turn toes in completely, or the phrase "eating it" will become very literal! T-Stops are also effective. This stop involves dragging one skate behind the skater perpendicular to the front skate, creating a T. The downside to the T-stop is that it wears the wheels unevenly. Please do not remove brake until, at least, one other alternative technique has been mastered.

4. Maintain wheels' inside edges. Rotating wheels often will help to maintain the inside edge necessary for powerful striding, maximum control, and a more comfortable ride. Use the directions that came with the skates. If they cannot be located, feel free to drop me a note. I would be glad to send a diagram. (Honestly, I would be tickled pink if anyone really wants my advice;)

5. Just say no to crack! (Yes, all kinds!) Seriously, though, cracks located at the joints of a double-wide sidewalk can catch a skater off guard. If the joints are deep enough, the wheels often ride inside and follow the crack, inhibiting regular movement mid-stride. In actuality, it's somewhat entertaining to randomly yell out this rule while blading with friends. If lucky, a passerby might hear and think it was meant for them, and quickly pull up on the back of their breeches!...Growing up is soo overrated!...Hehe!

Anyone attempting the techniques listed in this post does so at one's own risk. Proper protection (skating helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist guards) is suggested but not necessary. I am not an expert. I am only sharing what works for me, but these techniques may not work for everyone. As with mastering any skill, practice is key.

Have fun, learn much, and.......Roll On! ( I am such a cornball!)

A New Theme Song

2005-07-28T16:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, so anyone who knows me will tell you that I don't know squat about music. Really, buying a new CD or MP3 is quite rare, but I am struggling to restrain myself at the moment. I went to a wedding in Cinci a year or so ago (Doug and Shana's wedding was probably the best I have ever attended in my life! Shana sings in Vineyard Central's "Raise Both Hands" CD), and they had a group there named Over the Rhine. My friend Virgi, who I tagged along with, told me all about the group and how much she just loves their music! As usual, I liked what I heard and believed her, but neglected to find out anymore. When she mentioned them more recently, I decided that I should at least check out their website...That's where the trouble begins...I am addicted to the song "Born" from their new CD called "Drunkard's Prayer". It is taking all that I have to restrain myself from splurging! I can't take it! Clearly, this restraint won't last much longer! Anyway, I've decided that it is my new theme song. CLICK HERE to listen to the tune now permeating my space!

Now, I think it's time for a good blade around MU's empty campus, or as I like to call it, my cement playground;)

Stilling the Glass: Part II

2005-07-26T04:27:00.000-05:00

The words continue to escape my grasp, yet I cling to reference points for balance. My knowledge of this world is modest, at best, but I am choosing to grasp the victories enduring. Lord, you know which motives inspire the wall pounding fists; the earth eroding tears; the weeping of your child's heart that is breaking. Thus, I come before you, falling to my knees, to humbly cry in the dust at your feet. Expectantly, I am waiting...

I have known Steve for 23 years, and it is for him that my heart and soul cry out.

I remember the days...
when he couldn't say my name and called me Keewa...
when he ran the clawed tires of The Animal and got them stuck in my hair...
when he hit me and lied about it...
when he pinched me and lied about it...
when he hit me again and lied about it...
when he got in trouble for hitting me and pinching me and lying about it...
when he ran into the post in the basement of the church and split open his forehead(there is still a scar)...
when we tried to dig a tunnel in Aunt Mary's back yard...
when my friends and his would play Ghosts in the Graveyard...
when he taught me how to throw a football...
when he called me mom...
when he taught me how to throw a baseball...

Yes, I could go on forever. That is part of the reason I plead on his behalf.

Okay, I am stuck again....How do I write about how he said his head was not right? How do I write about his first seizure? Or when they said there was a shadow on the test? How do I write about the brain surgery to remove the tumor? What about, how he, a person with a handicap, was assaulted by the big smiley face?
How do I say that the tumor has returned in two places?
How do I say that I love him more than he knows?
How do I write that my heart's desire is for him to know Jesus?

How do I say that he is my brother?

For the librarians...

2005-07-25T14:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, librarian(s), this one's for you! My cousin, Britt, has taken her out-of-town guests to the Cleveland Public Library, of all places....hehe. She has even posted a library pic in her web journal, not_an_idea. You can also find it in my links as "I heart my cuz". She is an extremely intelligent and talented art student at Bethel College in Indiana. Yes, she is into theater and was a member of speech and debate in HS, as I am sure at least one of you can relate to [yah, you know who you are;)].

Even if you're not a librarian, chances are you will enjoy her posts immensly!

Have you always wanted to feel successful and productive?

2005-07-23T05:09:00.000-05:00

Have you always wanted to feel successful and productive? Well, you don't have to wait another minute! I have a sure fire way of increasing your feelings of success and accomplishment! Within minutes of following my program, I guarantee that you will feel and appear more productive! All it takes is one easy step, and you will be on your way to leading the life you always wanted! This specialist has developed a fool proof way of dealing with those icky, sticky feelings of failure and lost time.

Do you worry every day because you haven't checked off everything on your to do list? Are you tired of thinking that everyone else is more efficient than you day after day, after day? Are there things that you have always wanted to do, but don't think you ever will?

Well, throw away that to do list and every feeling of inadequacy, because in just 30 seconds I am going to reveeal a one-time offer that will change your life!

Okay, audience, are you ready to discover the secret to true happiness?

Take just 30 seconds, or 1, or even 2 minutes to read this schedule and compare yourself to something so pathetic that it shouldn't be allowed in public.

That's right compare your day to mine, and I guarantee that your feelings of inadequacy will decrease by at least 10%! *results have not been tested and may vary

Operator will NOT be standing by!

My day:
Alarm 8:15
snoozed until 8:30
Dressed and checked email
Out the door by 8:53
Arrived at the Johnson's at 9:00
No one home
no service project:(
Went home
Thought about bed
phone calls
Landlord's son arrives (he is supposed to be gone for the summer!)
Explained pipe water damage & lock
Checked email
Continued with the phone calls

Tried to write
Did not write

Blog surfed

Tried to write
Started to write
Words were stuck

3:30 nap
4:30 alarm
snoozed til 5:00
voice mail - small group in Hami cancelled
Cereal bowl and a half of blueberries
Watched tv
Added linkage to blog

Tried to write
Unsuccessful

Tried to Think
Lack of Clarity

8:00 blading
9:00 shower
IM
phone calls
food
IM
Crossed Street
Kim, Murle, Victor
Came home
Checked email

Heard a noise in kitchen
Conclusion mouse
Remembering traps
Evil laugh
Here mousie mousie!
Posting Blog

*all claims in this entry have been made in jest. Sadly, the only truth to be found in the entry above is the schedule of my day. Should you actually believe that your life will improve by comparing yourself to others, you may do so at your own risk. In no way do I really suggest or condone this destructive behavior. I include the small print because, believe it or not, someone may take this seriously. Click on this LINK to see that these people really do exist.

Stilling the Glass: Part I

2005-07-21T19:40:00.000-05:00

The dirty, glass coffee table is cluttered with various beads, batteries, keys, coasters, receipts, CDs and remotes. One of the overturned fat chef coasters catches the condensation from the water glass that rests upon it. Sitting on my somewhat broken, bright blue loveseat, I try to concentrate as my laptop plays random tracks from Chris Rea’s Espresso Logic, Vineyard Central's Raise Both Hands, Madison Greene’s Whitestone Gathering and various others that have been thrown in the mix. I am determined to write something, anything; needing to make sense of the mess of swirling thoughts that have become burdensome, and oppressive. Out of everything that surrounds my self, my thoughts, I am distracted by the water glass…

Like the scene out of Jurassic Park I have been sitting in wait for the water to ripple and topple over (I can’t believe I just referred to a movie). In literal terms, I don’t think the sky is falling, or there will be an earthquake, or anything along those lines. It’s probably a combination of things, but for the moment it seems to be related to my disgust for a corporate fiend, commonly known as Wal-Mart or Wally World, or W*$&#^%, as I kindly referred to it in my last post. The truth is that I expect the monster to strike again, and again, and again.

That’s right, it may not be news to anyone reading this, but corporate irresponsibility is something that has come to my attention in a very personal way. Until now, I have held off writing much about this subject for a variety of reasons. First of all, frustration and anger seem to appear when I think through the mess. Talking about it just would not have been beneficial. Secondly, discussing this issue involves addressing other tough issues that I haven’t yet disclosed in this medium. Thirdly, there exist legal concerns. Finally, when all is said and done, I want to make sure my heart is in the right place; revenge is not mine. I may keep this journal for my own benefit, but I recognize that it is also a public forum. Thus, I have been praying about it, and I think that the truth of the situation will speak for itself. I am trusting that readers will take it as it is, a cry of injustice, and NOT a desire for revenge.

Despite the risk of being overly dramatic (I know, too late!), I have decided to write and present these thoughts in a mini series of sorts. The idea occurred to me when I considered the lengthy, chaotic rant that might ensue from a one shot post. With that being said, may God bless anyone who decides for or against following along and enduring the sinuous paths of my current battles.

High Grass, a Broken Lock, and a Leaky Pipe

2005-07-10T20:46:00.000-05:00

Rolled in to O'town to find high grass and weeds, a broken lock and a leaky,gushing pipe at good ol' 617. The best news, is that I am more glad to be home than I am upset about the inconveniences. The plumber came today and, some 80 bucks later, fixed the pipe. I think there was a problem with the plumbing that was worked on two months ago when the toilet was replaced. Oh well, now everything needs to dry out and then it's over. Over, for now, anyway.

Tomorrow I will skip down to Ace for a new dead bolt so that I can open my front door. No, I will not go to that malignant menace of a place that's popped up on 27. No way, it's just not happening. Hmmmmmmmm..........okay, so I think I really need to pray about this angst. The more I hold on to it, the more I give W*$&#^% control over myself. I must refuse this poisonous, but tempting, offer.

I'm completely tuckered out! I only hope sleep comes soon.

2005-06-26T16:23:00.000-05:00

Went to church at Trinity this morning. Not only was it a great message, but I enjoyed sitting among my church family. I had the great pleasure of sitting with Cindy and Ted Dreyer. There is nothing like being treated like one of the family by people that one hasn't seen in a very long time. I can't believe I didn't visit sooner.

Last nights blog was pretty crazy; I was tired and overwhelmed from seeing Britt, Aunt Mary, Uncle Phil, Phil, and the youth who are well on their way to being productive members of society. I feel like a big sister to most of them. To think, it was only a couple years ago that us girls dressed up in outfits of random craziness and planted ourselves as statues in the unfinished front flower bed. Then we decided that it would be more fun to do silly walks and stop mid motion whenever a car went by. I think I was wearing one of those Huge foam cowboy hats, like the ones one would find at a concert, 80's spandex pants with fish all over them, an old track tank over a crazy goalie shirt, platform shoes (one pink, one white), a black and white floral scarf, with a sack over my shoulder and a strange muskrat puppet on my hand. Yup......we literally stopped traffic! The other girls had some pretty crazy get ups as well, however, I think Britt's may have been the most dramatic; my old black track spandex with a white tank and a dark purple velvet jacket, and last but not least, the old black hunting hat and aviator goggles. I miss those days........hmmm........I don't have any flowers in front of my house right now.........I wonder if Oxford could handle my crazy ideas!

Overall, a good day filled with good memories. This afternoon, I will get to do one of my favorite things at one of my favorite places; blading miles and miles of metropark trails by Bonnie Park in Strongsville! Then it's off to see a play that a friend of Phil's is in and get dinner at Tommy's. Should be interesting, his plays are always unique and Tommy's is supposedly some natural foods, healthy living restaurant for health junkies....should be yummy!

Dorothy's shoes

2005-06-26T01:59:00.000-05:00

I called this place home for most of my life, but it is strange to be back. After only a half hour here, I found myself almost in tears. Not only did I get to see my best friend, I got to see some of my church family from Trinity Church in Middleburg Hts. It just so happened that Kate, a member of the church, returned from this summer's Russian mission through OMS International. We all went up to Hopkins, 4 min. away from here, to greet her. It made me miss the days of backpacking trips with the Dreyers, blading with Heidi, and the whole family atmosphere that is a part of the ministry at Trinity. I didn't realize how much I miss that. Oxford is great, but it is a place that is set far apart from a lot of people that I love. Makes me wonder why I am there. God, please show me the reason.

Nope, I am not moving back here. I am not running back here.
No, nuh uh, not doin it!

I am tired of closing doors on people and places and opportunities. There will be no more shutting people out.

More emotional today than I thought it would be. I suppose that's why Dorothy clicked her ruby/silver slippers.

It's Back It's Back It's Back!

2005-06-25T01:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, I won't go on and on and on and on about it, I just have to say........MY COMPUTER IS BACK!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday, after dropping off my computer, I headed over to Shriver. It's pretty cool to come from the other side of the counter. Not only did I get some eats, I got to say hey to Annie, Jason, Angel, and last but not least, Vicki. I didn't chat with Annie enough, but Richie the Republican (he is anything but) seems to be doing okay (it takes a special guy to put up with all of us girls at Tuffy's). Then I sat to lunch with Angel and some of the gang. She seems to be doing well; she lives in a better place and her 4 girls are growing up quick. Then I saw Vicki, my boss who let me live with her family last summer, she is doing ok. That place will suck a person in if they are there too long. I hope she can get out soon, she is a talented woman.

Hmmmmmmmmm..........I am so glad that I don't work there anymore, but I do miss my friends and getting to hear about families and kids and things of that nature. Still, I am glad I'm not there.

Quite an enjoyable day, I must say. Went blading this morning, walked all over tarnation doing all kinds of things, and then got my computer back!

Leaving in the morning. Stopping in Columbus on my way to Cleveland! I can't wait to see Britt on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is an awesome art student, and my best friend in the whole world. Genetically speaking, she is not only my first cousin, but also my half sister! It's not hard to figure out, but it's probably not what one expects either. (no, we're not that redneck!) My youngest bro, Ken, is the same age.

Her brother, Phil, moved in with my parents last week. He just graduated from Savannah College of Art and Design and is looking for work in Columbus. (probably more to hang out with Steve... they are the same age) I am waiting for some of his work to hang on my walls. They are a talented family I tell you! I think they get it from my Uncle Phil, who is a comic book artist.

After living with them at different times, I am so excited that we can all spend time together again! I love coming from such a big family. Hmmmmm.....I wonder what it would be like to have seven kids like grams. I am not so sure that I want to find out, but who knows.

Okay, it's time to get ready for bed!

cat woman/lady: are they really so different?

2005-06-23T15:50:00.000-05:00

It feels good to get back in the swing of things; yesterday was my first day of blading in quite a while. (I didn't hit anything this time, but the part about getting a squirrel was true!:) Overall, it was a decent run, but it is clear that it will be awhile before I come back full force. It ticks me off to remember how in shape I used to be and how not in shape I am now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. It's my own fault. Today was even slower.

Good news is that I have successfully gone three days without caffiene!!!!!!! (Yes, I want a cookie.) My pack a day habit was getting pretty rough, Diet Coke may not be a tobacco product, but I have this funny feeling that it is just about as healthy. After months of poor sleep quality, making trips to the store only for soda, and feeling tired all the time, something had to be done. LOL, this is just sad.

Bad news: My laptop caught a nasty virus (my first ever) and stopped accessing the internet late yesterday afternoon. Actually there were several that spntaneously appeared, but the doozie was NTRootKit-J( Big Apologies if I have passed it on!). It just wants to stick around.

Good news: I brought it into the Remediation center to be fixed for free.

Bad news: I won't have my computer for a few days :( ( it's sad how dependent I have become on technology) I just hope that I will have it back before I leave, but I doubt it.

I suppose that it will force me to walk up to the library once (or twice, or three times...jk) a day to get my email and blog. Honestly though, part of the reason I got a laptop was because I hate sitting in computer labs; the environment is so unstimulating. So I don't know how often I will be blogging in the near future, I will check my email every day though.

BTW I really do like cats, and I neither have nor would run one over one. In fact, I may end up living in a gray rundown house with 88 cats and mouse nest for hair (who knows, it might be kinda cool).

Peace out y'all.

Animal Lovers.....Don't read this.

2005-06-21T22:59:00.000-05:00

Today was my first full day without caffiene!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! Yes, this is an official warning to those in contact with me! It seems that my body doesn't like for me to stop any drug; I get awful withdrawl headaches and feel like tossing my cookies for days on end. Fortunately, today wasn't completely unbearable. Kate and I headed over to the rec, where I found out that I do not receive rec privileges bc I was not a FT student last fall! MU always finds another way to tick me off! After leaving the rec I wanted to hop on my skates. Though, I didn't really want to end up running over a varmint like the last time I got ticked at the university and went skating....awesome for me...not so good for the squirrel*. I definitely felt much better. Instead Kate offered to walk with me. She must be an animal rights activist or something. Tomorrow is a different story. Construction or not, this not so in shape, ticked off, caffiene withdrawling, speed junkie is going to tear up the town! Ready or not, rodents, here I come!

*Disclaimer: No animal was intentionally or maliciously harmed in the events leading to the develpment of this entry. All options for a compassionate encounter were taken into consideration. Any joy I found in this occurance was ultimately squelched when I ran over Fluffy, the cat, last week; running over Fluffy was somehow much funnier.

Filling in the Holes

2005-05-24T00:10:00.000-05:00

Bittersweet is probably the best description of this past weekend. However, I can't fix the track without backing up the train...

There exist moments in life where it appears that all truth is feigned. Emptied of the principles by which it is encompassed, the pile of rot contorts and entwines itself. All the while, the reality of it's intrinsic malignance strives to resemble and redefine the constant. Without accepting reality, it spreads out and separates with its only motivation death. Stretched to it's limits and relying on its own flesh, it feeds on self. All the while, progress is attempted but not seen... A house divided will surely fall... Truth prevails, unchanging and undivided.

Why the train stopped here...
As some have read in my first posts, I am guilty of being compelled by such lies. Honestly, I wish that I could say that it was the first time, but that would be feigning reality once again. Ignoble as it is, I chose to believe that my identity depended on worldly standards. A world where men and women are told they are merely what they weigh, eat, think, do, and appear to be. It is an inversion of sorts where change is supposed to occur from the outside in. We call one backwards if physical beauty doesn't match up with inner beauty, but really it's the other way around. Simply stated, the consciousness of "self" is a subverse way of idolizing man. I praise God for my dear friend Virgi, who in her desire to reach seek truth, encouraged me to watch a video that spoke these truths to me. I think the speaker's name was Lisa Bevere if anyone is interested, but I will have to get back on that one.

Last December.
Two years of indecent proposals from hundreds of inebriated boys had finally taken its toll. I found got financial assistance to return to school full-time and quit my job at Tuffy's. The sad part is, when I left that place I didn't leave my identity behind. Instead I heaved it along with me. I never realized how much I would miss the attention; 4am seranades by a dozen guys, shouts of "you're the best," and "will you marry me?", recieving nick names like Bonnie Blair and Speedracer from those who had seen me blading around campus. I thought my attempts to put up barriers had worked. However, it quickly became evident that I had put up barriers around the wrong thing; my heart. The walls were so thick and I was so tired. I tried everything I could think of, but they were attempts similar in their backward nature. I chose to believe that my value rested in what others thought of me, and even more so, what I thought of myself. The lies unveiled my eyes from the protection of my King. I was not the club soccer playing, blonde, country bumpkin. I was merely a broken image of what I used to be. Nevermind that this past image entailed anorexic tendencies, difficult struggles, and unbridled fears. The hardest part was I thought I could change my mind without changing my heart.

We've made it to the switch.
It was during this backwards time last December when I got a phone call from one of my "best friends." She no longer wanted me to be in her wedding (the connection to last weekend). I had been telling her for months that I wasn't up for hanging out, because that was the truth. I hadn't wanted to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone for months. I kept telling her this, but she continued to affirm my worst fears; my value in this world rested on my utility. When she finally realised that I wasn't capable of being a source of entertainment, she simply used another excuse for not having me in the wedding; to kick me when I was down. It's sad really, that was the only thing that I was looking forward to being a part of, and I felt sure that she and her fiance were blessed through their relationship. The worst part is, that I no longer choose to trust in her friendship. I don't even know why I still went to the wedding last weekend! All going did was allow me to say that I stepped out and revealed the extent to which I still have not healed. My prayer is that God changes my heart, because right now I don't know if I will continue the friendship.

A Dose of utter sweetness.
So my great friend, and soul sister, Hannah, rode with me on the long trip to Fort Wayne. To top it off, I got to meet her adorable little bambino, Charlie. He is the by far the cutest, most agreeable baby that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting! Hannah is such a great mom. I could only dream to be half as great when/if I ever have children. She is so full of grace and love! That was the best part of my weekend. Then I got to bum around with her hubby, who is a really awesome guy, when she was tortured at the head table (She was asked to take my place in the bridal party). I am so thankful that God has blessed me with such a great friend!

Here is where I will stop. After mowing the lawn, I must look like a topiary. I am not sure when I will update next. Tomorrow I leave for Columbus and then on Friday I leave for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to visit my grandparents for the week. God Bless and Peace Out!

Anybody up for an infomercial?

2005-05-23T01:39:00.000-05:00

Forever and a day - precisely how long it's been since I last blogged. There is no telling when, or if, I will ever be an accomplished journal keeper. In fact, it may even be necessary attend therapy about this. Hey, that's an idea! Maybe I could make some self help cassettes for fellow journal flunkies. A quick list of what I might need:
1. exquisitely disgusting, ridiculously exhuberant, and ultimately nauseating narrator
2. equally repulsive cheesey music
3. key phrases such as: "journal flunkies are people too!" "journal flunkies increase the value of journal successes; they play an imperative role in life." "some people need to keep journals because they suffer long term memory loss. . .you must be a genius! " "You are too busy making memories to write about them!"
4. a list of people considered successful who are/were journal flunkies too

Okay, Okay, I know, I know! I may not be able to sell one (especially if it's on cassette), but I am confident that I am not alone in failing to keep up my blog. For this, I apologize. That being said, this is me, get over it. And so it goes, I am a perpetually sporadic writer; one day there will be a hummdinger, and the next will be not even hum, and there is no telling when the singing will occur.

hmmmm.....so what has happened since I last blogged?

Well, the semester started out better than the last one ended. The hardest part was attempting to find my niche in the Miami community. I am older than most of my classmates, but not as old as my professors. I am an inbeetweenie weenie (this and all future rhymes are dedicated to my mother who rhymes or cutsies everything she says! - I love you mom!). I suppose that I can't complain. God has overwhelmingly blessed the department that holds the reigns of my education. I have spent more time in heart to heart chats, lunches, and tutoring sessions with my professors than I have spent in class. God's glory is shining through in a million different ways, even without the explicit consent of the participants. This is just one way that my GOD ROCKS MY WORLD! Through the tears and the laughter He is there.

Okay so it almost 4am and I am pooped. It would probably be good to get to bed before sunrise. Oh yah, I also have to take out the garbage...STINK, literally, it reeks! I need to get used to putting my garbage out on sunday nights here at good ol' 617!

Peace Out...Do svidanya (goodbye) i (and) spakonyay nochay (goodnight)

new blogs coming soon!

2005-02-11T15:09:00.000-05:00

A funny little thing has been happening. For the last month or two, I have been having difficulties accessing my blog. I would sign in, but my blog wouldn't be listed under my account. I was a bit frustrated, as many of you have been bugging me about blogging. I really did want to! Anyway, the kicker comes when I remember that I had signed up twice! The first time never produced anything. Eventually, I forgot that I had allready signed up and just created a new account. Yah, so I have been trying to sign on with my old account this whole time! It's quite funny really.......just another little story to keep you all guessing......

The best part is that I keep myself guessing. This is just me.

2004-12-20T17:47:00.000-05:00

Last night I got to spend time with the people at Veritas. There was good food and great company. We didn't do a study but that was ok. It was nice to just hang out. That is why I don't understand why I found myself in tears on the way home. I just couldn't help it. Why is it so hard for me to put myself out there. Why can't I just socialize normally? I want nothing more than to be close to people, but it's as if I don't know how. My family thinks it's abandonment from my past, but I don't understand why that would keep me from this. I have to force myself to leave my room. I have to force myself to leave the house. I have to force myself to talk to people. I don't understand why this is happening now. I thought I was over this part of my life. I am not an abandoned child anymore, where the hurt is coming from, I don't understand. So what if I was left on porches, at grocery stores, at home, at church, at the baby sitters. It happens to kids all the time and they deal. Sometimes, I still start panicking in the store when I get separated from my mom. I just don't understand anything anymore and I wish the pain would just go away. I don't want to be a recluse. I don't want to hurt people that I love by being a hermit. I just want to feel that love for people and be able to feel thier love back. I can't take a compliment or trust anyone. I just want to be free. God, I need your peace.

Just Blog

2004-12-17T04:48:00.000-05:00

I think I am gonna make a shirt that says, "I'd rather be blogging!"

Finals week is almost over. I just gotta make it through today........recite a few poems, finish a paper.....and then I'll be, "on the blog again. I just can't wait to be on the blog again....."
I am sure the picture has been set forth, the viewer has screamed, and everyone can go home!

I am the glass vessel

2004-12-14T04:36:00.000-05:00

Implosion, as described by an old Tormont and Webster Encyclopedic Dictionary is "a more or less violent collapse inward, as of a highly evacuated glass vessel." I am the glass vessel.....

It is 4:30 in the morning and I sit here thinking that all the air is leaving me. What is it that makes it so hard for me to succeed here? Is it the school? Is it the student body, the staff? Or maybe the truth is, I am just an invalid. I am 24 years old, and I have allready left MU and returned twice. The polite people call it character, but I know what it really is. I know that normal people think I must be lazy. I know that most professors think I belong in a padded room. I know that I am the problem child, the thorn in the side of academia. The worst is that I know that I am a disappointment to the few who have believed in me. I guess the bright side is that people might start seeing me for what I really am, the grotesque form that belongs in a corner or closet somewhere. Now that's a pedestal on which I could stand.

Every day, I wake up to put on the same skirt with the same holes and the same red shoes that occasionally peek out from the fraying edges. Most of the time I love my skirt. I love that when I wear a different color shirt, it is not the same. I love that it gives and takes when it needs (except for the stairs). I don't have to fit into it, it fits me. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that life is comprised of flowing skirts and funky shoes. But for once, I just pray that I could stop running upstairs without a hand to sweep the skirt away from my toes and with asthma (I do have asthma, but that's not the point.) What is wrong with me? Since I was young, I was told that I was smart. In elementary school they put me in a special program for the gifted. In junior high I scored the same on my ACT as some of my friends at graduation. Ok, so if I am not stupid, there must be something else wrong with me, I think I am just an anomale (forgive my spelling). Maybe I am actually so stupid that people think it impossible!!! I will be easier swept aside as a genius freak. Well, maybe , just maybe, I have finally earned that right..........maybe I really do have the secrets locked away in my lumpy skull.........here it is.......ready?...........I don't know if you can handle it.........(drumroll)......................................there is nothing genius about me, I just look at things differently in a way that doesn't allow me to relate to others or perform normally in society, I am a screw up, a hard headed monkey who enjoys hitting it's head up against masonry!!!!!!!! ( maybe I should take up coconut picking)................................there, maybe now everyone can see me for what I really am............an ordinary monkey that has natural tendencies for jumping up and down, patting my head, and throwing my own feces.

Okay, so I know that I probably wouldn't throw feces in the eyes of Christ. Wait!!!! Scratch that, in the eyes of Christ I may be a little more domesticated............who am I kidding, I do it all the time. Everytime I give in to sin, I might as well just crap right on Him. How is it that He still loves me, when even all the other monkeys don't?

I will leave with this..........NO, I don't actually think that I am a monkey. NO, I don't throw my feces. I guess I just think that how come everyone sees me for what I am not, instead of what I am? Why do I want to finish college? WHy can't I finish college even when I do know why? Why do I feel so incapable? You'd think that a glass vessel with this many holes wouldn't be able to hold the amount of pressure necessary for implosion!

soul sisters

2004-12-13T17:04:00.000-05:00

This morning, after my tardi arrival (1:05 pm to be exact) in the land of the "allready awake," my phone rang. Despite popular belief, I do know what a phone is, I know how to use one, and I am not completely frightened to utilize such an instrument. However, I will admit to being afraid of what demon might cantact me through this technology. Fortunately, it was again demonstrated clearly that I was unneccesarily trepidatious in my pursuit to respond to such an obvious breach of security. It's like the minute I hear the ring of my phone, the fear of attached strings, dissapointements, and discontentment reverberate in my being. I allready know what is on the other side......I live it, and I am sorry for it. I cannot fix myself, who I am, or who I have been. I am sorry that I don't trust anything, or anyone. Maybe I should just put a disclaimer to prepare people for who I am, what I am. I am not what people want me to be. I have tried to conform, but I hate myself there. This is it, this is me, this is the real deal. I am broken and tired and incapable of being anyone else. I exist on the fact that I am a child of the most high God. I am loved without any strings, and in that I must bask. My hope rests in His promises alone, the only ones I can trust. I can't even trust myself, for I am unreliable, foolish and dirty. I do trust that this time will pass, as it allways does, and I will be able to bury another part of my messed up being. I can't imagine not having that hope. My heart goes out to those who don't, the hopelessness must be suffocating. Today I was able to pick up the phone and find relief in my soul sister, whose lack of any strings freed my spirit and opened a door. It is Christ in her that shares love with such freedom and such love. I am thankful that Hannah called and that my spirit is again humbled by how somone can show such a nonjudgemental spirit to someone who can't even find it in herself. It's formless. It's God.

Writing in the Sky, Here comes the Delivery Guy

2004-12-13T00:33:00.000-05:00

Tonight at Veritas we had a little chat about humility. I guess that's where blogging fits in for me. Ironically, it is not because I mind sharing my misgivings. it's because I am a recovering blog critic. Don't worry though, I have been clean for 3 months and 62 days! I held out from blogging up 'til a few minutes ago, but so far it feels great! "hehe!"

Okay, so all joking aside. I have some pretty big walls around me that I have, myself, constructed. They are the kind that I can't just leave behind. Fortunately, I have hope, through Christ, who loved me so much that He died for my sins. It is this enigmatically simple love that pulls me out of the most overwhelming depths of despair. When I think I am the most unloveable He whispers, "You are loved by the most high." When I think that I have fallen from His grace He says, "Your brother was dead but now he lives." When I squander my gifts He says, "You are forgiven." If not for His unconditional love I would not breathe.

Now I sit here listening to "My Deliverer is Coming" by Rich Mullins. It is all I can do to keep from going nutso from the lonliness of this world. I have let my feelings of inadequacy get the best of me, but I do not know how to let go of the pride from where it stems. There is something about praise and worship that allows me to find relief from it all. I praise him for this point of solace in my life. There is no worry about inadequacy, there is freedom. It's about the truth and the praise that pour from the hearts of those who love Him.

Before I finish, I just want to praise God for gifting me with the presence of His love through the faces of my brothers and sisters. Kimmie, Jenny, Steve, Ken, Mom, Dad, and all Veritassians thank you for allowing Christ to shine through you and deliver messages of hope to this weary, akward soul.